Thursday, July 12, 2012

Worst Movies Ever Made Part I



Bad movies have been a constant since the beginning of film. Because making movies is such a gamble, what might look good on paper, could end up being completely laughable when brought to cinematic life. But of course, this fact does not stop Hollywood from making movies. Failed attempts at making respectable films keep coming out every day! The thing about films is that what one perceives as a bad film is always open to interpretation; I might find a certain film awful, while somebody else will think the same film is the best film they’ve ever seen. This is why you’ll find such diverse lists on bad films out there. For example while Howard the Duck (1986) is constantly referred to by many as one of the worst films of all time, I happen to enjoy it a lot, and so, you wont find that one on my list. But one things for damn sure: there are so many bad movies out there I could probably write fifty articles on them! 


Even though bad movie lists change with each reviewer because we all have different ideas of what makes a bad film, some films consistently pop up on everybody’s lists. These are films that we all universally acknowledge as being bad, some of these films have made it onto my list, but mind you, this is only the first part of a series of articles, there’s more bad movies where these came from! I’ve added some that I’ve seen and are very unique to my own taste. Some I have yet to watch like Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002), Manos the Hands of Fate (1966), Showgirls (1995), Cool As Ice (1991), Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964), An Allan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn (1997), Glitter (2001), The Room (2003), Son of the Mask (2005), and the king of all bad movies: Ed Wood’s masterpiece Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959). I’m actually looking forward to seeing all of these at some point. 


Some of these films are disowned by the very directors and actors that participated in making them. Some of them are expensive Hollywood turkeys that died a quick death at the box office, others are expensive pieces of crap that made a lot of dough anyways. Some are obscure straight to video releases that are so bad they deserve to be mentioned. Others are so bad you simply won’t have any desire to even finish watching them! But let’s face it, sometimes its fun to watch a bad movie. What? You’ve never purposely watched a bad movie? Take my advice, rent any of the films on this list, buy a couple of six packs and watch a bad film with your friends, you’ll be busting a gut in no time. Enjoy!


 Title: Oblivion (1994)

Why it’s so Bad: To tell you the truth, I grew up watching a lot these ultra cheap Full Moon movies. Some of them were actually a lot of fun if I remember correctly; they  never took themselves too seriously and they were just totally nuts sometimes. I still love watching Terrorvision (1986), my personal Full Moon favorite. Which is why I jumped at buying this dvd for Oblivion, a Full Moon flick that had escaped my radar. Reportedly, this was the most expensive of all the Full Moon movies, so I was expecting something special, boy was I wrong! This was the most boring film ever! Characters do nothing but talk all the time. You think that uniting the Sci-Fi and the Western genres would make for cheap laughs, but not even that. It’s sad too because the cast is composed of a pretty decent collection of b-movie celebrities like Andrew Divoff (Wishmaster) Meg Foster (Masters of the Universe) and George Takei (Star Trek)! Hell, even Julie Newman who used to play Catwoman in the old Batman t.v. show shows up! The screenplay was written by Peter David, which brought my hopes up since he’s written a bunch of Marvel Comics and a couple of other Full Moon movies (like Trancers 4 and 5) but not even that could save this boring wreck of a movie. I do not recommend this one…it just goes nowhere; I kind of get why they called it ‘Oblivion’, it’s where films like this one belong. Incredulous as it may seem, this film actually spawned a sequel! Oblivion 2: Blacklash (1996)! Actually, the sequel didn’t come as a result of the success of the first one…they were just filmed back to back.  

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: When the only good thing about your movie is an arm wrestling scene that has an alien that eats your face off if you loose. 

Bad Movie Dialog: “I have hemorrhoids smarter than you!”


Title: Troll 2 (1990)

Why it’s so Bad: Troll 2 is the king of bad movies, but it’s also the best kind of bad movie. It’s the kind that you like to re-watch because you simply cannot believe how incredibly bad it is. Why has Troll 2 garnered so much fame as “The Worst Bad Movie Ever Made?” Truth be told, everything about it is bad. You think you’ve seen bad acting and dialog? You aint seen nothing if you haven’t seen Troll 2 buddy boy! The acting and dialog is so bad on this movie you wont believe your eyes and ears. You cheeks will turn red when you hear the atrocities that these actors have to say. Not only is the dialog and acting bad, but the situations that the writers came up with are so stupid. For example, this is a film about Goblins (not trolls!) that have to turn humans into trees so they can eat them, because -get this- these Goblins are vegetarians! And they can be killed by throwing bologna sandwiches at them! You simply have to see this movie to believe it. Out of all the ones on this list, this is the must see one. Ever wanted to see a film that mixed ghosts, goblins, vegetarians, witches, Stonehenge, séances, green food, pop corn and people who turn into trees? Look no further! 

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment:  When the family is in their car, and they all start singing “Row, row, row, your boat” horrendously out of key. 

Bad Movie Dialog: “If my father knew you were here, he’d cut off your little nuts and eat them, he can’t stand you!”


 Title: Mac and Me (1988)

Why it’s so Bad: There’s a thing about some of these truly, truly bad films, they literally make you cringe. Some scenes are so bad; you simply can’t help feeling shame. Mac and Me is one of the ones that really stirs my bowels. This abomination was some poor dopes attempt at cashing in on the success of E.T. The Extraterrestrial (1982). The story is basically the same: an alien kid gets stranded here on earth and he befriends a human child who then wants to find a way to send him back home. Sounds fair enough, an E.T. rip off isn’t exactly a bad idea; these things can make money if done properly. But therein lays the problem: this film was not done properly. At least E.T. had a personality, this Mac thing, is the ugliest little alien thing! You can tell it was made by people whose sole interest was making money. Case in point: all the freaking product placement! It really gets out of hand on this one! The most ridiculous scene in the whole film takes place inside of a Mc Donalds! The aliens drink Coca-Cola, actually, everybody does in this movie, and they do so from cups that prominently have the Coca-Cola logo on them! The aliens go into a supermarket so we can get even more product placement! To make things worse, apparently the film ran out of money and didn’t have enough budget to show the little alien all the time, so they put a costume on the little alien for a huge chunk of the movie! Finally, the film offers us a sequel during the ending credits saying “We’ll Be Back!” Thank god they never did.

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: When FBI agents end up inside of a McDonald’s chasing after an alien being, and the people in the McDonalds are spontaneously break dancing! 

Bad Movie Dialog: “You know what I feel like?” “A Big Mac?” “The mans a psychic!”


Title: Knock Off (1998)

Why it’s so Bad: Well, Van Damme plays a fashion designer, that pretty much tells you how bad this one is. But seriously folks, if I aint mistaken, this was the film that marked the beginning of Van Damme’s cinematic demise. It tanked almost immediately at the box office and for good reason, it’s horrid! Van Damme has to stop a group of international knock off artists who sell black market Jeans! Holy smokes that sounds dangerous! Add to that Van Damme’s lame attempts at acting and Rob Schneider’s comedy relief sidekick character, which is the same thing he does in every other movie and you got yourselves the perfect ingredients for a disaster. Worst part of the movie? Van Damme’s hair! Not even Tsui Hark’s interesting camera moves save this one.  

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment:  Basically, when you realize that this movie is about stopping people from making knock off jeans that explode. That’s when I said, really? Is this what this movies about?

Bad Movie Dialog: “Look, the massage industry in Hong Kong is going through a really tough time. I’m just trying to help out the local college girls”


Title: Steel (1997)

Why it’s so Bad:  First things first, this film was based on a spin off character that came out of the whole ‘Death of Superman’ storyline that took everyone and their mother for a ride way back in the 90’s. You see, DC had everyone going making them believe that Superman had died. Cool thing about that storyline is that after Supes bit the bullet, four super characters emerged to fill in during Superman’s absence. One of these characters was John Henry Irons a.k.a. Steel; an iron worker who was once saved from certain death by Superman. After Superman’s ‘death’ John Henry decides to become Steel, dedicating his life to repay Supes by battling crime. Sounds cool right? Unfortunately this characters transfer to the big screen was awful. The big problem for me with the film is that it completely distanced itself from the whole Superman ordeal; it was not a good adaptation of the comic book character. Hey if your film is linked to a marketable and well established character like Superman, why distance your film from that? They should have embraced the whole Superman connection! They should have gotten a real actor instead of Shaquille O Neal and they should have tried way harder to make a good film. The dialog is awful and the suit that Shaq had to wear looks clunky and uncomfortable; a missed opportunity.   

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment:  When you see that the suit that Steel wears, which is supposed to be made out of steel, actually bends as if it was made out of plastic; which it obviously was.  

Bad Movie Dialog: “Eat the Hot Dog, don’t be one!”


Title: Double Dragon (1994)

Why it’s so Bad: The only thing this movie got right was casting Alyssa Milano who looks extremely hot through out the whole movie, everything else, is such a disappointment! This film is all about an evil douche bag called Koga Shuko (Robert Patrick) who wants to own the double dragon medallion, a mystical medallion that can grant him awesome powers. Why does he want it? To rule New Los Angeles, cause he’s bad that way. Problem is that the Lee Brothers own the second half of the medallion, and until both halves are united, Shuko wont have full power. The biggest problem with this film was giving it to a director whose previous directorial efforts included directing the Billboard Music Awards for various years, directed a New Kids on the Block television special and lets not forget he also directed Debbie Gibson and Phil Collins’s live concerts…in other words, not the best guy to direct a feature film. Maybe that explains why Robert Patrick’s character looks like Vanilla Ice? I don’t know. A lot of things just didn’t work on this show. For starters, the martial arts on this film are a joke! I mean, I know this film was pre-Matrix and want not, but damn, these kids look like they don’t know a damn about martial arts! In a film that is based on martial arts, it seems this would have been something they could have paid more attention to, but like many things on this film, the results were mediocre.

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: Shuko has two henchmen called Hewi and Lewis. When he sees them he says “Ah! Huey! Lewis! Any news?”

Bad Movie Dialog: “Great! The Power Corps are midgets!”


Title: Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984)

Why it’s so Bad: It comes to us from the director of all those crappy ‘Ninja’ movies that came out during the 80’s so take that for what its worth. But honestly, this one is terrible, so terrible it needs to be seen. This time around, the break dancing kids have to stop an evil corporation from demolishing a community center where the kids like to dance, so they decide to do a Marathon where people can come and donate their money to stop the evil corporate bastards; which of course is one of the most generic plot devices ever put to celluloid. Recently, this same plot was re-used in The Muppets (2011). What makes this one so bad? Well, I found it really funny that no matter what is happening, where characters go or what they do…everybody is always dancing, dancing, dancing! Now I realize that this is to be expected in a movie about break dancing, but damn, even when they go into a hospital because Ozone breaks his leg they start dancing! So much so that suddenly Ozone’s broken leg is healed by the magic of dancing! One moment he is in a wheelchair and suddenly, dancing starts to happen and voila! He’s cured! Random musical numbers pop out of nowhere, for no reason! To make things worse, this film completely ignores the ending of the first film where the kids ended up doing a show on Broadway! What happened after that night? Did their show bomb? Did they not achieve their dancing dreams? Characters do things that can’t happen in real life -like dancing on the ceiling- and everybody seems to take things like this for granted. Okay, there’s a guy dancing upside down on the ceiling, cool! Characters on this film are even bigger fashion victims then on the first film, some of the stuff these guys wear, wow. What the film does do is serve as a nice time capsule to the crazy 80’s and, same as Troll 2, this one entertains because it is so atrocious.

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: The two main characters start showing each other how to dance with a girl, pretty soon, they start fighting over a rag doll that they mistake for each others girlfriends? You have to see it to believe it. 

Bad Movie Dialog: “Girls are whack man!”


Title: Super Mario Bros. The Movie (1993)

Why it’s so Bad: Again, same as Double Dragon they just didn’t translate the elements of the video game successfully to the screen. The kids who played the Super Mario games (like myself for example) wanted to see Luigi and Mario fighting giant fire breathing turtles and jumping through clouds in a Mushroom Kingdom…not fighting Dennis Hopper and his de-evolution gun or riding in stolen police cars. The film had some impressive things about it, like for example its production values and art direction; reportedly the film cost somewhere around 42 million. That’s a lot for the first video game movie ever made. Considering that the film is based on one of the most successful video games ever, this film should have been a huge success! Unfortunately, the filmmakers were afraid to fully embrace the video game elements and so gamers all around the world hated the film. Maybe if it had not been called Super Mario Bros. I wouldn’t have been as disappointed. On its own, the movie has it’s moments I guess. But even the actors knew this film was going down the drains; both John Leguizamo and Bob Hoskins got drunk to make it through the shoot. Bob Hoskins himself said that this was the worst film he ever did. But without a doubt the biggest problem the film ever had was that the directors wanted a more adult film, while the studio wanted a kiddy film. That tug of war resulted in this mess of a film. Hopefully somebody out there will do the game justice some day and make a decent Super Mario Bros. movie. But then again, we should have known better; the poster did warn us by prominently featuring the words: “This Aint No Game!”

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: When you realize that Koopa’s de-evolution gun is really just a spray painted Super Nintendo Gun.  

Bad Movie Dialog: “Hand out the de-evolution guns! Prepare for destiny! Where’s my Pizza?”


Title: Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

Why it’s so Bad: Wow, let me count the ways…the first film is a serious film, a classic. It took the elements found in the Superman comic books and effectively used them to bring Superman to life in a believable fashion. The film didn’t feel like a comic book to me. It felt real. And therein lies the problem with Superman IV: The Quest for Peace; it feels too much like a Saturday morning cartoon, or an extremely childish comic book. While Gene Hackman’s Lex Luthor had always been a slightly comedic character, on Superman IV he’s turned into a silly villain, with an even sillier nephew/henchman. The big problem with this one was its budget. It started at 36 million and was slashed down to 17 by Cannon films who was going bankrupt at the time. This was actually one of their last films before going totally caput. The budgetary problems brought this film down in quality. The visual effects are completely laughable and the script; wow. Who the hell directed this film? It certainly wasn’t Richard Donner who had helmed the first one, but declined to do this one. Richard Lester, the guy behind Superman III (1983) decided not to involve himself with this one either. Hell, even Wes Craven declined over creative differences with Christopher Reeves. I guess the miniscule budget scared them all away. And with good reason, they knew they couldn’t do a proper Superman movie with so little money. Sidney J. Furie ended up directing. He’s the guy behind Iron Eagle I (1986), Iron Eagle II (1988) and The Entity (1982). In the end, Superman IV had noble intentions and themes; unfortunately the execution was cheesy as hell. Nuclear Man looks like something out of ‘Wrestlemania’ for crying out loud! Characters go into space and are unaffected by the laws of gravity or space itself! The moon looks like a cheesy set! Nuclear Mans nails look like they were done in a nail salon! The cheesy/bad movie wonders never cease with this one.        

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: In order to grab Supes attention, Nuclear Man grabs  Lacy Warfield (a Daily Bugle’s reporter) with him to space; she apparently has no problems breathing in the vacuum of space, where there is no oxygen.    

Bad Movie Dialog: “Now Leonard, your uncle Lex, with this protoplasm that I’ve grown from Superman’s hair cells, will duplicate creation itself!”


Title: Conan The Barbarian (2011) and Pathfinder (2007)

Why it’s so Bad: I have to do a double whammy here because both of these abominations come from the same director: Marcus Nispel. What bothers me about Nispel and his films is that he is given a budget, and everything necessary to make a good movie, yet he fails. Why? Because Nispel is missing the most important element: talent. Marcus Nispel is a hack of a director, sorry, but none of his films have impressed me. Okay, maybe I did like his take on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), but that’s about as far as my appreciation for this guy goes. In fact, most of his films have disappointed me. Case in point this poorly executed Conan film. It single handedly takes the Conan character and turns it into a silly cartoon. You don’t feel a connection to this character who comes off as something of an asshole through out the whole film. It’s not like when Schwarzenegger portrayed him, where you felt identified in a way with the character, hell, we even feel some sympathy for Conan in Millius’s film; not so with this new Conan who’s an arrogant prick. John Millius, the director behind Conan The Barbarian (1982) took the character and turned him into something believable, even if the story took place in a fantasy land. That’s what I love about that first Conan movie…it feels real. This thing that Marcus Nispel directed feels like a bunch of actors walking around crappy looking sets and green screens. There’s something horrible about Nispel films, they are terribly edited to the point where you loose track of what’s going, there’s no continuity, no flow to his style of editing, this is something I came to notice while watching Pathfinder (2007), Nispel’s first attempt at making a film that was similar to Conan, actually, it was a blatant rip off of the original Conan film. It was obvious while watching Pathfinder that Nispel loved Conan, Pathfinder’s story is copy pasted from Millius’s film. And yet the irony! He was given the opportunity to make a bonafide Conan film and what does he do? He blows it. Buttom line: Nispel had big shoes to fill and didn’t live up to the promise. Both films sucked: his Conan rip-off, and his actual Conan film.   

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment:  When Conan meets up with his pirate sidekick and the boat looks like this tiny little boat, Nispel obviously failed to make it look bigger. 

Bad Movie Dialog: “Run from me and I will tear the mountains apart to find you!”


Title: Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

Why it’s so Bad: It’s bad because its stupid as hell that’s why. First of all, we have to accept the fact that this shark is somehow related to the sharks that died in the previous films, and that it’s out to avenge the death of his fellow sharks? How does that happen? Do these sharks posses the ability to speak telepathically? That right there is enough for me, but then we have to believe that this shark traveled from Amity Island to The Bahamas to exact its revenge? Preposterous! The tagline for the film: “This Time It’s Personal!” How does a shark take it personal? Who the hell knows! Who was the freaking lame-o who wrote this script? Who’s to blame for this turkey? It’s no surprise that Joseph Sergeant, this films “director” was nominated for worst director in the 1987 Golden Raspberry Awards; he should have won that award as far as I’m concerned, but the award went to Elaine May for Ishtar (1987) instead. Are you kidding me? Ishtar is Oscar material next to Jaws: The Revenge! Those Golden Raspberry Awards are a rip off! But wait! Maybe the Golden Raspberry Awards aren’t that bad: Jaws The Revenge won that year for Worst Visual Effects! Considering there are NO visual effects on that movie, I’ve confirmed it; The Golden Raspberries aren’t worth shit. Even sadder, Michael Caine couldn’t attend the Oscar to pick up his academy award for Hannah and Her Sisters (1986) because he was making this piece of crap; ironic in deed!     

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: When the shark comes out of the water in the films big finale, it screams and roars, an impossible feat for a shark, especially when we take in consideration that sharks have no lungs or vocal cords with which to roar with. Also, the sharks roar sounds like that of a dinosaur!   

Bad Movie Dialog: “If I go any faster, this thing will turn into a flying Cuisinart and we’ll all be diced into oblivion!”


Title: Garbage Pail Kids (1987)

Why it’s so Bad: Why? One look at this movie and you’ll know. The dialog, the production values, the stupidity. Okay, I know what you’re saying, this is a Garbage Pail Kids movie, what did you expect? Truth of the matter is that I really don’t think this film should have ever been made. There is no explanation as to why these creatures exist! The cards, which were awesome to collect as a kid (I know because I collected them for the longest time) simply existed to amuse and gross you out with their crazy ideas. There was never a back story to the crazy drawings depicted in the cards, and the film did a terrible job of giving them one. The Garbage Pail Kids supposedly come out of some magical garbage can with the help of a magical book, or something like that. The film was aimed at kids, but the situations were not for them, the film doesn’t even get its themes straight! Is being different good or bad? Are we against the freaks or for them? The Garbage Pail Kids themselves look awful, the designs and puppets just make the look freaky and kind of scary. You’ll gawk at the screen in shame, but you won’t be able to believe how this one is; this is an awkward film to watch; literally one of the biggest abortions to grace the silver screen. It should have never been made.

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: The main characters in this film, The Garbage Pail Kids spend 90% of the film peeing, vomiting and farting. You do the math.   

Bad Movie Dialog: “Rats and thunder, wind and hail, send these kids back into the pail”


Title: 10,000 BC (2008)

Why it’s so Bad: Normally, Roland Emerich makes big budget bad movies that can be enjoyed on one level or another. Most of the times his big budget spectacles have cool effects and action like 2012 (2009) or Independence Day (1996), but the fact that his movies are about as commercial and vapid as films can get, there is no question. 10,000 B.C. takes the taco there. God where to begin, well, first off there are the historical inaccuracies. Nothing in this movie makes sense! Caveman speaking in perfect English? Now this really, really bothered me because cavemen spoke in their own primitive language that wasn’t even properly formed yet, they probably couldn’t even communicate properly, yet on this film they are so articulate, so well versed! Even the cavewomen look as if they’ve just put on make up? And then on top of all these things, we have to deal with bad CGI creatures? I was expecting something like Quest for Fire (1981), but with better looking Mammoths; now there’s a good movie about cavemen! That one at least felt real, this big budget abomination was an insult to my intelligence. Plus, it was the same damn story that Emmerich used for Stargate (1994)! The characters even look alike! Then we also have to deal with the notion of romantic cavemen…which seemed so stupid to me; during those days, cavemen didn’t romance women, they just grabbed them by the hair and had their way with them! But whatever, such is the way of a typical Hollywood blockbuster, trying to gloss things over beyond recognition.    

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment:  When cavemen start talking in english 

Bad Movie Dialog: “Do not eat me when I save your life!”


Title: Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity (1987)

Why it’s so Bad:  This is one that is so bad that it’s good, how do I know this is a bad movie? Well for starters this is one of those movies that is so cheap, that it’s all about characters running from one set to the other, I only counted three sets…and they were all half assed. The girls go from the castle, to the jungle, then back to the castle…then back to the jungle. And the jungle set..wow, you could tell it was a bunch of plants on a set;  just terrible, but funny in a low budget sort of way. The tag line for this movie was “Big Production. Big Movie. Big Girls!” Well, the got one thing right, the one salvaging thing about this movie are the two air head blonde bimbos who star in it. They spend most of their time scantly clad, so much so, that the filmmakers found a way to have these girls walking around in lingerie for most of the film! How sleazy is that!? So anyways, the film starts out with these two slave girls escaping their space prison (it is NEVER explained why they were imprisoned in the first place, they just are) and end up crash landing on a jungle planet. They then end up in this castle, which I swear is straight out of a Hammer film, where they meet ZED, the villain of the film, who acts and talks exactly like Count Dracula! He welcomes the girls to his castle and then attempts to kill them! And the things these girls say…pure b-movie gold! Example: “I am so dazzling, people have to wear sunglasses!”  If it wasn’t for the one liners and the girls, I might have fallen asleep while watching this one, because truth be told, it is a bloody bore. Still, the cheesiness can be entertaining. Recommend this one if you are interested in seeing one of the worst films ever made, and laugh while doing it.   

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment:  When the girls crash land on the alien planet, we never even see the crash, the film just cuts straight to the girls walking through the jungle.

Bad Movie Dialog: “Something tells me there’s more in this jungle than meets the eye”

Worst green screen ever

 Title: Ballistic Eck vs. Sever (2002)

Why it’s so Bad: Some movies just make it so easy for me to hate them. Ballistic: Eck Vs. Sever is one of them. I saw this at the movie theater (I had no idea) and the audience was actually laughing at the film! People were not laughing at one liners (like in a normal action film) people were laughing at how bad the movie was! The terrible acting, the horribly obvious green screens, the nonsensical happenings! This film was made by a  filmmaker from Thailand (Wych Kaosayananda) who had success in his country with a film he made and was given the opportunity to make his first Hollywood film, unfortunately, said Hollywood film was Eck Vs. Sever. It is no surprise this film is #1 on many “Worst Films Ever Made” lists. It just makes no sense. For example, the film has us follow these FBI agents, yet the film takes place in Canada? Where the FBI has no jurisdiction? Antonio Banderas is obviously spewing his lines as quickly as possible so he can get over it and cash that check! Even worse is the fact that the video game, which was released a few months before the film, was praised more than the movie was! 

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: When Sever crashes her car into another one and both cars explode, she still walks away unharmed, without a single scratch! Guns shoot backwards…the list just goes on and on.  

Bad Movie Dialog: “There are no innocent people in this world Sever, only killers and victims”


Title: Leonard Part 6 (1987)

Why it’s so Bad: Leonard Part 6 (never mind the fact that there were never previous Leonard movies!) is a film that is so bad that Bill Cosby himself urged people not to go see it even though he starred, wrote and produced the damned thing! Last time I saw that happen was with Jet Li, who publicly despised WAR (2007) even though he starred in it. Hell, Bill Cosby hates this movie so much that he went and bought the television rights to the film so it could never air on television! Now that’s something right there! Kind of reminds me of how Kubrick tracked down all his early films so no one could see them because he was ashamed of them. But let’s face it, Bill Cosby is no Kubrick, and neither is this films director, a guy by the name of Paul Weiland. What else did he direct? A lot of television that’s what! I am surprised that they guy has directed more films after this terrible fiasco! It’s the kind of movie that you have to keep watching, just to make sure it gets worse, and trust me, it does. Cosby uses hot dogs to make a henchmen’s head explode into confetti! Since the bad guys on this movie are vegetarians (hmm, same as on Troll II, that’s kind of weird) Leonard rubs meat on their faces to subdue them! See it if you want to see a totally insane movie, just remember, I warned ya!  

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment:  When in the films first five minutes Bill Cosby is dancing like a ballerina and then seconds later, he jumps off an exploding building while riding an ostrich! Yes, an ostrich!  

Bad Movie Dialog: “This was, I believe, the first recorded instances of a CIA agent being eaten alive by a rainbow trout”


If you liked this article, then don't forget to check out it's sequel: Worst Movies Ever Made Part II

18 comments:

Kev D. said...

Oh man. Great list... just wait until you see Pluto Nash. It made me angry at life.

The Film Connoisseur said...

He he...looking forward to checking some of these bad movies out, sometimes it can be fun, sometimes it can be torture!

Expect part II to include some of those I said I haven't seen.

Michele (TheGirlWhoLovesHorror) said...

Have only seen Jaws: The Revenge and the Garbage Pail Kids Movie (yay for Project Terrible!) and yes, they totally deserve to be on this list.

Are you really going to watch Manos: The Hands of Fate? It is thankfully rather short but you'll still have plenty of bad things to say about it! I'd vote for that one as No. 1 worst movie ever made, no doubt about it.

Good luck with the rest of the bad movies!

The Film Connoisseur said...

I want to watch Manos The Hand of Fate out of curiosity. It gets mentioned around a lot amongst fans of bad movies. Might I recommend you watch TROLL II, you will not believe what you are seeing and hearing! So funny because its soooo bad!

Thanks for commenting!

Manuel Marrero said...

You should put the Amityville movie with the evil lamp...Saw that one when i was young and I hated it.

The Film Connoisseur said...

The one with the evil lamp, that's Amytiville 4: The Evil Escapes. I remember that one too, but in all honesty I think the worst of the Amityville films for me was Part 3, the one that was in 3-D. Barf! What a bad movie!

Fritz "Doc" Freakenstein said...

Francisco!

I don’t know whether to be embarrassed by the films on your list that I have watched, or by the ones that I haven’t watched. You are correct in stating that “bad” movies are somewhat subject to one’s personal tastes, yet the worst of the bad films are the films that are almost universally agreed on by film fans. One last point about bad movies is that they are definitely divided into two separate groups: the bad films that are so awful that they are still entertaining and the bad films that are just so incompetent that they aren’t enjoyable on any level.

The films on your list that I have seen are:
Oblivion (1994) – I too was disappointed by this film because it had a promising premise, cast and screenwriter (all of which you point out), but these divergent elements just didn’t come together to make for a fun film. I do think Oblivion falls under the category of mediocre more than bad though.

Knock Off (1998) I used to be a fan of Van Damme back in the ‘90s in which he had a pretty good run of films with Universal Soldier, Hard Target, Time Cop and Maximum Risk. However, I would say that Double Team (1997), which came out the year before Knock Off, was when his career really went off the rails. Double Team is the type of bad film that can be quite funny under the right conditions, but because Knock Off is supposed to be a comedy it just comes off as bad to me.

Double Dragon (1994) Thanks for reminding me about this turkey! This film was typical of the many of the video game inspired films of the ‘90s in its inept depiction of actual fighting – which was so central to the video games of the time. The best thing about this film was Milano and her “booty” shorts; but what is up with that atrocious blond wig? Unfortunately, this is just another un-fun bad movie.

Super Mario Bros. The Movie (1993) I’ll have to disagree with you about this one. While certainly no great work of art, this film has decent production values and is well cast. There are even some amusing lines in the film. While this film has not held up well to modern eyes, it is still a fun film and certainly not bad.

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987) While I might argue that Superman III is worse, I agree that Superman IV was not good either. It is a shame that Reeves, who truly epitomized the character in the ‘70s had to go out on such a dud.

Conan The Barbarian (2011) and Pathfinder (2007) It’s nice to know we both share a passionate dislike of director Marcus Nispel. Nispel is another of these former music video directors that is very good at creating impressive looking individual shots, but is clueless about putting them together to form a coherent story. I’d say Pathfinder is worse than Conan, only because there is even less acting talent behind it, but both films are a mess and not worth watching on any level.

10,000 BC (2008) I agree that this film is just plain bad! The thing that bothered me even more than the eloquent cavemen was how quickly they traveled the vast distances on their quest. Emmerich may be a competent director, but as a screenwriter he certainly misses his former co-writing partner Dean Devlin.

Fritz "Doc" Freakenstein said...

Of the films that you listed that I haven’t seen, I’m only tempted to watch Troll 2 just because so many others have written about the awful genius of this film. The films that you mention at the beginning of your post that you want to watch in future I can definitely recommend Plan 9 from Outer Space. This is Ed Wood at the peak of his bad movie making powers and one of the few of his films I’ve watched multiple times for it comedic value. I’d skip Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964), as it is just a dumb kid’s film and isn’t all that amusing. Showgirls (1995) is not a bad film if looked at the same way as other Paul Verhoeven films. It is a dark satire along the lines of RoboCop, Total Recall and even Starship Troopers. While I don’t consider it a classic, I don’t think any of his films are that good, so Showgirls falls in line with his body of work fairly well.

My personal favorite bad and entertaining films are sci-fi and horror films from the 1950s and ‘60s, which were a staple of TV when I was growing up. You can’t go wrong with such classic bad films as The Creeping Terror (1964), Robot Monster (1953), Killers from Space (1954), The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961) and Bride of the Monster’ (1955) [Ed Wood’s second “best” film] to name just a few!

A few modern bad move classics I’d nominate are: Battlefield Earth (2000), RoboCop 2 (1990) [I must confess to not seeing RoboCop 3 which I’ve heard is even worse], Batman and Robin (1997) Armageddon (1998) and Last Action Hero (1993).

Looking forward to Worst Movies Ever Made Part II!

MaximaFobia said...

The ET from "Mac and Me" looks like Gollum!!

The Film Connoisseur said...

Fritz: I too love those VAn Damme movies you pointed out, especially Hard Target which was directed by John Woo, I love the stylish action on that one, but unfortunately, he never reached that level of coolness after he started making films like Doublt Team and Knock Off.

There are a lot of video game movies on this list and the next one because for some reason filmmakers and studios just didnt put enough of an effort on these movies...apparently they never realized the potential, and the video game films keep coming still, and they are still bad even today. What about that Chun LI movie...or Tekken...

With regards to Super Mario Bros. the movie, I guess the film divides audiences, some defend it, some hate it, I'm somewhere in between, but I can't bring myself to calling it good. Maybe if it had not been related to Super Mario Bros...and they'd called it something else I would like it more.

Reeve's really wanted to make this movie, in fact, he was the main engine pushing it...unfortunately this movie was made when Menahem and Golam where on its last legs...Cannon Films was going down! And this was one of their last ones, along with Masters of the Universe.

I agree with you Pathfinder is worse, I remember hating it because it had moments I just couldnt follow because of the bad editing. Nispel displayed the same ineptitude towards editing his films with Conan.

About Emerich and his 10,000 B.C., wow, I immediately disliked it, but I have liked most of his movies like 2012 and Independence Day, I'm happy to hear that he and Devlin have teamed up yet again to work on the sequel! That should be something!

Looking forward to seeing all these "bad films" I have missed, it should be fun! Look for part II of this article, I'll be posting it probably next friday!

Whoa dude, you think Robocop 2 bad? No way!! We gotta disagree on that one, that film is one of my favorites, but then again I am a robo fan. Saw part III recently...yeah it's dissapointing as hell, which surprised me because it was directed by Fred Dekker, the guy behind Night of the Creeps and Monster Squad, two films I love.

Last Action Hero is fun times for me as well, wouldnt call it a bad film...I dont know, it just has something about it I enjoy, I guess its the sense of humor it has and the action is pretty cool too.

Thanks for all of your suggestions, I'll be looking into them!

Jack Thursby said...

Great list Franco (as always). Got to say I really quite like a couple of these.

The Super Mario Brothers film I've loved since I was a kid. I just really like how the filmmakers twisted the elements of the game in order to create a workable storyline. And in doing so created their own demented backstory - Dinohattan!

I also really like Knock Off. It's just such a crazy movie it's impossible to dislike ("Why is Rob Schneider whipping Van Damme with an electric eel?!?"). Would probably have been quite disappointed to see it in the cinema. It's far more suited to DVD.

The Film Connoisseur said...

Thanks for the kind words Jack!

You know, I don't completely hate the Mario Bros. movie either, it has a lot of cool things about it, like the Yoshi character, I read somewhere that at the time this film was made, that puppet was the most complicated puppet of its time.

If you liked this list, the come back for Part II of this article which should be coming your way this friday, look for it.

Jaskee said...

I haven't seen most of these movies, but the ones on this list that I did see are terrible. Good job.

The Film Connoisseur said...

Don't forget to check out the sequel Worst films ever made part II which has just been posted! Enjoy and thanks for reading!

Fred [The Wolf] said...

How did I miss this post!!!??? Great freakin' list, bro! Man, a lot of these are stinkers for sure. Although I love TROLL 2. I think SUPERMAN III is worse than IV, but it does belong here. And thank you for adding PATHFINDER! I thought that film was garbage. I still haven't seen the new CONAN. Now I'm curious, ha ha. And JAWS: THE REVENGE - oh man. Just awesome crap here.

The Film Connoisseur said...

You make an interesting case in regards to Superman III, I would like to re-watch it to see what I can come up with, but yeah, I agree part III is pretty bad, still it had some interesting ideas in it, like turning Supes into a drunkard and that whole bit where he just turns evil. I always said that Raimi was copying stuff from the Supes movies, because for example in Spiderman 2, Spidey decides to stop being Spidey so he could be more normal, same as Superman II. And in Spiderman 3, Spidey goes bad same as Superman does in Superman III.

Troll II might be bad, but it's hilarious, I love watching that one from time to time with people who have never seen it. It baffles people.

The new Conan...what can I say, if you love the original (and how doesnt) you'll probably hate the new one.

Glad you enjoyed the list bro, expect more "Worst Films Ever Made" articles in the future.

venoms5 said...

I couldn't be bothered with any of VD's movies after he pretty much turned into a flaming asshole with a head that was expanding at a wildly erratic rate.

MAC AND ME is currently sittin on my DVR ready to be transported to DVD-R status, lol.

I couldn't finish TROLL 2, lol. I might try and finish it off one day, though.

You forgot all the many shots of thick black cables and wires that were visible in SUPERMAN 4, Fran, lol. But I agree wholeheartedly on everything you've listed here.

Apparently, PATHFINDER's original version was butchered by the studio, but not sure what CRAPPY CONAN's excuse was.

JAWS THE REVENGE I saw in the theater. Folks got so wound up because Van Peebles got snuffed at the end, that they went back and shittily re-shot the ending using a bathtub, a toy boat and the death of the shark from the original JAWS. There should be a BACK TO THE FUTURE movie where somebody goes back and erases the blotch that is JAWS 4.

GARBAGE PAIL CRAP I wanted to like since I had hundreds of those cards when I was a kid. The movie was just a disposable cash-in.

Great list, buddy, and will catch up with part two now!

The Film Connoisseur said...

Van Damme is on Expendables 2, I wonder how that will turn out? Should be fun times though, so many 80's action stars in one film equals fun times.

Wow, Mac and Me how horrid is that picture?

TROLL 2, you need to see the ending, the actually kill the bad guy with a double decker bologna sandwich, and with the help of grandpa's ghost! He, that last sentence just sounds so crazy.

I've seen both endings for Jaws: The Revenge. But the original one that I saw in theaters was the one where Peebles dies. I remember when I saw it in theaters and I was waiting outside of the theater to see it, I went and peaked through the door and the scene I saw was that last scene where they impailed the shark and I remember turning back and telling my friends "oh my god, this movie looks bad!" It was that scene where the shark is spewing all that fake blood from its mouth? I remember being so dissapointed! But back then I didn't know what to expect from a film at all, there was no internet, so I just went to see films with barely no expectations at all, knowing next to nothing about the production. Ahh, the good old days.

Glad you liked the article Venom!

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