The Expendables 2 (2012)

Title: The Expendables 2 (2012)

Director: Simon West  

Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Chuck Norris, Randy Couture, Terry Crews, Charisma Carpenter, Nan Yu

Review:

Are you ready for a shot of testosterone? Actually, an overdose of testosterone? Because that’s exactly what your going to get with The Expendables 2, a film with big muscle tanks, shooting and blowing up everything that comes in their paths. After all the death and destruction, they all go for a little bit of male bonding and hang out at their favorite biker bar to smoke a couple of stogies and chug down a couple of beers. This is the kind of films where if you ask a question, they’ll answer it with bullets.

This time around, there isn’t much of a story, but the basic premise goes something like this: the villainous villain named ‘Vilain’ (yup!) has found a hidden cache of plutonium worth about four million dollars. He is using the people of a small town as slaves in order to dig and recover the hidden plutonium. The Expendables are then contacted by a government official named ‘Church’ to try and stop him. This mission should be a walk in the park for them, but could Vilain end up being more of a villain than they bargained for?

So yeah, this movie put a big smile on my face for the whole damn ride. I went to see these aging action stars from the eighties blow stuff up; and they did it very well, in this aspect, the film didn’t disappoint one bit. There’s whole chunks of this film simply dedicated to machine guns being fired none stop for minutes on end. I mean, this movie gets loud! How loud? Well, in the first ten minutes of the film they blow up a helicopter, a tank, a couple of buildings and massacre god knows how many henchmen. They shoot guns, bazookas, machine guns, shot guns, you name it and it gets fired, and that’s just in the opening of the film which by the way is pretty bombastic. They really wanted to open up the film with a bang! It’s a great opening scene because all these aging action stars seem to be having the time of their lives; these characters don’t have a care in their minds, it feels as if these guys shoot their guns knowing that they are invincible.

Which is really part of the films charm, we know they aren’t going to die, we know they are going to blow everything up, beat up the bad guy, save the day and get the girl! It’s how they go about it that counts; it’s the attitude they carry while they do it that matters. In the opening sequence, The Expendables drive around this truck that has a sign that reads ‘Bad Attitude’ and that says it all right there. The fun of watching this movie is really watching these old dudes we grew up with kicking some ass and cracking jokes while doing it. Half of the fun is listening to the banter as they make fun of each other and their action star careers. One of the funniest moments has Arnold and Willis stealing each others catch phrases! Hilarious in deed. Chuck Norris got a big audience reaction when he appeared on screen, but the same happened with all of them. The first time we see Arnold, a smile creeped up on my face when he says "this is embarassing", his appearance in the film is like an unvailing, the first of many surprises to come for 80's action fans. The film grabs you from the very beginning, once you see these guys having so much fun tearing up the place, you just know this is going to be a fun ride. The 'One That Hasn't Aged So Well Award' goes to Jean-Claude Van Damme, who looks like crap when he takes off his glasses, which is probably why he wears them for a huge part of the film and in contrast,  the 'Aging Gracefully Award' goes to Dolph Lundgren, who looks pretty much the same he's always looked, but with a really funny attitude, sam as in the first film, he's character is one of the best things about this sequel. Lundgren should be making more theatrical action films in my opinion. 

He's back! Just like he always said he would! 

Story wise the film is fluffy, and when I say fluffy I mean it really doesn’t even matter. The whole business with the plutonium is just an excuse for blowing shit up; which is fine I guess. I started to wonder what a film like this one would be like if it had a more serious tone to it, but I guess it wouldn’t be what it is if it was more serious in tone. What we like about these films is the goofiness; it reminds us how silly action movies from the 80’s where and how much fun they were to watch. Ever sat down to watch Cobra (1986) or Invasion U.S.A.(1985)? These films are unintentionally hilarious; which means they weren’t made to be funny, back in the day that’s just the way action films were. These films where filled with nonsensical plot lines, indestructible heroes and huge amounts of violence. That’s what the eighties action films where all about, and that’s exactly what you get with The Expendables 2.

On the downside, Chuck Norris walks in and out of the movie in five minutes. It’s great to see him appear and make a few jokes about him being ‘The Lonewolf’ but I wish he’d been a more integral part of the film, same goes for Jet Li who is in the film only for the opening sequence, though he does have his moment to shine. I guess theres so many characters that some of them have to be sacrificed in the altar of screen time. Still, this film is bigger, louder and more explosive then the first Expendables film. I’m looking forward to the inevitable sequel, which considering how much money this ones making at the box office is a sure thing. I hear they are going to try and get Clint Eastwood and Nicholas Cage to appear in the film which would be awesome, let’s hope it happens. Steven Segal’s also been M.I.A. in this series. Also, I hope Wesley Snipes gets out of jail in time to make it for the next sequel as well, I have to say he’s been sorely missed in this series. All in all, Expendables 2 is a solid slice of 80’s style action, recommend it for a night of mindless, nostalgic fun.  

Rating: 4 out of 5

Invasion U.S.A. (1985)

Title: Invasion U.S.A. (1985)

Director: Joseph Zito

Cast: Chuck Norris, Richard Lynch

Review:

Invasion USA is yet another dumb action film from the guys at Cannon Films; a production company that specialized in making B-films and over the top, violence filled action fare. These guys not only produced films that no other studio would produce, they took pride in it. And they thrived in this way for many years making films like The Delta Force (1986), Missing in Action (1984) and Missing in Action II: The Beginning (1985) which by the way were huge money makers back in those days when audiences where hungry for movies with muscle bound heroes that killed everyone in sight. Those where the days when the body count produced by the films hero would skyrocket! The more people the hero killed, the better the film. I’m talking about films like Commando (1985), Cobra (1986) and Above the Law (1988), films where it was almost obligatory for the protagonist to appear shooting or holding a gun in the films poster. Where did movies like these go? I know I don’t see them that often anymore. An occasional one appears, like The Expendables (2010) or The Mechanic (2011) but these days, films like these are an exception. During the 80s we had Stallone, Arnold, Van Damme, Steven Seagal and Dulph Longdren all fighting to be the number one action star. Today we only got one action star that is aiming to do what these guys did and that’s, Jason Statham; but more on that guy in the weeks ahead where I will be reviewing some of Statham’s action films. So yeah, the day and age of the blood drenched violence filled action flick is gone. Luckily we can revisit this era through dvd’s. How was Invasion U.S.A.?

Cannon, the ones responsible for all these goofy action movies

 Invasion U.S.A. was great for a laugh that’s what it was, but again, like many of these films, that’s exactly what makes it a fun watch. Story goes something like this: a terrorist organization lead by a guy named Mikhail Rostov is looking to invade the United States and destroy everything that represents the quintessential ‘American Way of Life’. This organization is composed of every nationality known for hating Americans at one point or another. So we see Russians, we see Latin Americans and Arabs amongst the members of the terrorist organization. But basically, they behave like a bunch of nazi bastards.  This organization commits random acts of violence all over town to try and destroy society as we know it. In this way, the villains in this film reminded me of the villains in Stallone’s Cobra, where all they cared about was destroying society so they could build a new one. While the bad guys in Cobra destroyed supermarkets and kidnapped famous models, the bad guys in Invasion U.S.A. blow up houses in a typical American suburb while the families are putting the star on their Christmas tree and singing Christmas carols! They destroy and attack a mall! They get people to fight amongst themselves! They attempt to blow up churches and school buses filled with children! It just so happens that the leader of this evil organization is an old arch-nemesis of Chuck Norris’s and so there is also a personal vendetta involved in this. Norris is called upon by the government to stop these guys, and while at first he refuses, when he sees it’s his old enemy Rostov who is behind the whole thing, well then Chuck makes it his business to stop him.

You mess with the best, you die like the rest!

 This movie is all sorts of idiotic and will no doubt have you laughing from beginning to end, so at least we have that. In this movie, Chuck Norris is similar to The Terminator, he kills and kills and kills and is damn near indestructible all through out the picture. Nobody messes with him! In fact, he messes with the bad guys! He’s the one that intimidates them!  Sadly, Norris’s character in this film is reduced to be an emotionless empty shell of a character who only appears to kill the bad guys. After a while the film goes on like this: bad guys try to commit an act of terrorism, Chuck appears to stop them. Repeat infinitum, till the end of the picture where Norris faces off with his Nemesis. He is an action hero with no soul and no persona. He is quite literally a stone cold killer, but he is protecting the American way of life and society so it’s okay? In Stallone’s Cobra, a news reporter asks Cobra why does he have the right to go around killing people? That even if they are bad guys, its up to the courts to decide their fate, then Cobra shows them a corpse and tells the reporter “Why don’t you tell that to his family?” So I guess, in this kind of film the mentality is the ends justifies the means. Society needs to be protected, and these guys are scumbags who deserve to die.

 In what other way will this film have you laughing? Well, take for example the titular invasion of the United States. The bad guys invade U.S.A. by waltzing in on their boats through Miami Beach! A totally incredulous feat to achieve, but on this movie it’s as easy as one two three. No one notices, no military satellite detects them, they simply arrive and continue with their evil schemes. Another laugh inducing characteristic of this film is the films female protagonist; a news reporter named McGuire. She is the equivalent of Kate Capshaw’s ‘Willie’ in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984). If you remember correctly, her job was being obnoxious through out the whole film by screaming and hollering and complaining every step of the way. Same thing happens with the reporter in this film. She does absolutely nothing to move the story forward, yet there she is, tagging along through out the whole film, nagging, nagging, nagging.  It doesn’t help that she’s not a good actress at all. Extra tidbit of info: Chuck Norris wanted Whoopi Goldberg to play the role of McGuire, this was during the time when Whoopi Goldberg’s career was just taking off and she was making action/comedies like Jumping Jack Flash (1985), but the films director said “no way Jose” and so he cast Melissa Prophet instead. That was a bad move in my book. I’m sure the role would have been infinitely more watchable had Goldberg played it, but alas, she was vetoed.

 Finally, what would a movie like this one be without some tough guy one liners? Some of the gems included on this film include lines like: “If you come back in here, I’m gonna hit you with so many rights you are going to beg for a left” and “It’s time to die! Invasion USA was directed by Joseph Zito, a director that was the go to guy for producers Golan and Globus. Albert Pyun served the same purpose to them; these were directors that would get the job done. These directors didn’t exactly stamp their films with their own style, they simply made the films they were given, workman style. These films didn’t have a special look or feel to them, they simply told their story and blew shit up real good.  And speaking of blowing shit up, the film does have a couple of cool chase sequences, one of which takes place inside of a mall, it’s a pretty decent chase sequence. And that’s one thing you could count on in a Cannon Film: a decent chase sequence to let you know your getting your moneys worth of action. Joseph Zito directed many films for Cannon and many of them starred Chuck Norris, I’m going to try and get my hands on a couple more of them to include in my Revenge/Action Month thing I got going on, so look forward to that.

Rating: 3 out of 5

Cover for the films novelization