Ninja III: The Domination (1984)

Ninja III: The Domination (1984)

Director: Schmulik “Sam” Fistenberg

Cast: Sho Kosugi, Lucinda Dickey, Jordan Bennett, David Chung, James Hong

First things first, let’s start by saying that Ninja III: The Domination (1984) was directed by Schmulik “Sam” Fistenberg, the same guy who directed Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984). I guess that should be enough to let you know the kind of nutty film you can expect with Ninja III: The Domination (1984). Ninja III…okay, let’s start by that, Cannon Films never produced a film called Ninja, or Ninja II, so why the hell is there a Ninja III: The Domination (1984)? My best guess is that this is a spiritual follow up to Enter the Ninja (1981) and Revenge of the Ninja (1983). Ninja III: The Domination (1984) can’t even be called a sequel, because none of these films are connected to one another, they don’t have a story line that unites them save for the fact that they are all about Ninjas and that they all starred Sho Kosugi in one form or another, albeit in different roles in each film. I remember when all these movies were being released; Ninjas were so cool back then. They certainly captured my imagination as a kid, I was always drawing them. And it’s only now that I realize just how much these movies influenced me as a kid! Back then it was all about American Ninja (1985) and Gymkata (1985). I was obsessed with ninja weapons and the whole mystical side of the whole ninja thing. Basically, back when I was around ten, I was ninja crazy. Back then these movies didn’t feel funny, because I was just a kid, but now that I’m all grown, these movies are slap to the knee hilarious!

The premise for Ninja III: The Domination is that this ninja is out on the prowl killing golf players. Why, for what reason? Who the hell knows, the movie just starts out like that, with this ninja invading a golf field filled with rich old dudes playing golf. My guess is we’re supposed to presume that these are evil rich old dudes, because why else would a ninja have to come out of the blue to massacre them right? So anyways, the deal is someone ends up calling the cops and every cop and their mother shows up to kill this one ninja. In spite of having shot him with every conceivable gun, from every conceivable angle (without a drop of blood showing I might add) the ninja manages to escape them. Enter a woman named Christie; she works fixing telephone lines all by herself in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly, she stumbles upon the moribund ninja, who works some kind of ninja magic on Christie which allows him to posses her. Now, having possessed this new female body, the ninja can avenge his death from beyond the grave. It’s cop killing time!

This movie is crazy from the get go, frame one, scene one. The nuttiness starts when you see the Cannon Films logo light up the screen. If you don’t know anything about Cannon Films, allow me to fill you in. Cannon Films was a film production company responsible for some of the craziest films from the 80’s and by crazy I mean totally bat shit insane type of films. If you’re feeling frisky and want to explore the type of crazy movies these guys used to produce, then go and watch Breakin’ (1984) or Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1985) and if those movies aren’t crazy enough for you then watch Invasion U.S.A. (1985). If you find these films fascinating and alluring because of their insanity, then do yourself a favor and watch the excellent documentary on the crazy history behind this film studio called Electric Boogaloo: The Wild and Untold Story of Cannon Films (2014). In a nutshell, these two guys from Israel, Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus came to the U.S. to make movies and money. The films the produced were made with meager budgets and tight shooting schedules. Most of these films were shot in a couple of weeks. Hell, sometimes the poster was made before the film itself! Sometimes the distribution rights were sold before the movies were even made! Ah, those were the glory days of video clubs! Back then, independent film studios like these made movies because they knew they’d make their money back on video. The results of this modus operandi were cheap and quick movies, where the filmmakers really didn’t have the time to iron out the details of a script; they didn’t really have any time to make sense of the story. Basically, they shot the film before realizing it didn’t make an iota of sense. This is the reason why these movies are so crazy. I have to say I love these movies exactly the way they are. They are just fun to watch, they put a smile on my face every time.

How crazy is this movie? Let me count the ways. First off, the story takes place somewhere in Arizona (that’s where they shot it) yet for some unexplained reason there’s an ancient Chinese temple in the middle of the dessert with Shaolin Monks and everything! What? Then for some unexplained reason, the evil ninja goes into a cave to find a stash of magical ninja weapons hidden inside of a glowing rock. What the hell was that all about? I don’t know, but there they were, swords, katanas and ninja stars inside of a rock that glowed with purple light! Then we have Christie, the girl who gets possessed by the ninja. She’s sort of a cheap knock off of Jennifer Beals in Flashdance (1983). Why do I say this? Well,  she not only fixes telephone lines, she’s also an aerobics instructor! This element of course amps up the 80’s vibe to eleven! Suddenly we’re thrown right in the middle of an aerobics class filled with people dressed in head bands and leg warmers, all to the tune of the cheesiest rock soundtrack this side of David Powell! How eighties is this movie? Well, Christie has her own arcade machine in her apartment that’s how eighties! By the way at one point the arcade machine becomes possessed by the spirit of the ninja and starts shooting laser beams that hypnotize Christie! Like I said, bat shit insane.

"I also work part time as a Ninja!"

Not convinced yet? Well, this movie is the equivalent of mixing The Exorcist (1973) with ninjas and Chinese mysticism. There’s this one majestic sequence in which Christie goes to a Chinese exorcist, who by the way is played by James Hong. Yup, that James Hong! He who played ‘Lo Pan’ in Big Trouble in Little China (1986)! So anyways, after they tie Christie up, suddenly the ninja inside of her awakens and makes her go all Linda Blair on us; you got to see it to believe it people! Essentially, this movie is the classic “so bad it’s good” film. Scratch that, it’s the quintessential so bad it’s good film. What I’m talking about here folks is a film that is so bad you won’t believe your eyes. Ever seen a movie like that? I’ve seen tons of them, but for your own benefit my dear readers, if you ever want to have a fantastic night watching bad movies like this one, then I also recommend you check out Blood Diner (1987), Troll 2 (1990) and Creatures from the Abyss (1994). My god, those films will melt your face right off! Ninja III: The Domination (1984) is on a whole other level, sure it’s bad, but honestly, you won’t be able to stop watching. It’s addictive. Cannon Films, I salute you guys, you never cease to amaze me.

Rating: 3 out of 5

   

Death and Androids: Explorig the Themes of Blade Runner (1982)

Blade Runner, like so many of Ridley Scott’s films, is an immersive experience. The world of Blade Runner is constructed in such an intricate and layered manner that you can’t help but get lost in the film. Aesthetically speaking, it’s one of my favorite films because it’s just beautiful to look at, those scenes with flying cars over a futuristic skyline filled with metal pyramids? Count me in! A lot has been said about Blade Runner as the quintessential cyber punk film because it’s about androids and because it’s set in a bleak future, like so many of William Gibson’s cyberpunk novels. Who is William Gibson you ask? Well, he’s the father of cyber punk that’s who; Gibson’s the guy who practically invented what we now know as 'cyber punk' through a trilogy of novels, the first of which is the seminal ‘Neuromancer’. If you want to truly find out what cyber punk is all about, I recommend starting there. But Blade Runner is based on Phillip K. Dicks ‘Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?’; a novel with its fair share of cyber punk elements, some of which bled onto the film. As a side note to this article, I'd like to mention that the book and the film are two different things all together, so you might want to try and read the novel, it’s an entirely different experience. Actually, you might end up being surprised just how different book and film are! How different is the book from the film? Well, the books main theme is religion! The film has nothing to do with religion! The book explores a whole different set of themes and has an entirely different tone to it. The book remains a special experience, I highly recommend checking it out! The difference between book and film points to one thing, what an amazing filmmaker Ridley Scott is. He basically took the world that Phillip K. Dick presented us with in his book and weaved a story that played with other themes  which though different, are equally relevant.   

Harrison Ford and Ridley Scott

For the longest time, I would just watch Blade Runner because I loved that world, the look, the feel. And you have to admit, the film is a lush production, it’s not a cheap looking film. But it wasn’t until adulthood that I started to appreciate the film from a whole other angle, I started to realize that there was a lot more to Blade Runner than flying cars and murderous androids. What was Blade Runner really about? What was it commenting on? The films central theme is mans own disillusionment with our short time on this earth. We come and go in the blink of an eye and when you really stop and think about it, it’s a really sad thing how short our lives are. I mean, our lives can be so rich, filled with so many memories and experiences, but as Roy Batty muses in the climax of the film, all of it just fades away when we die. When Roy Batty goes up to Tyrell, his creator to ask him for more life, Tyrell tells him it’s not possible, but not without offering a glimmer of hope to Batty’s preoccupations about death. Tyrell tells Batty “The light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long, and you have burned so very, very brightly Roy!” In this sense, the films offers us the only glimmer of hope when it comes to death, we have to live an amazing life, try and leave our mark in the world, to make what little time we were given matter.   Unless you lived an outstanding life and shined so brightly that your mark will be indelible for time immemorial, chances are, no one will even remember you were 100 years from now. So let’s make that time count my friends!

Now, taking all that in consideration, what would you do if you could go up to your god and ask him or her for more life? What if you could have a conversation with your creator, what would you say? I’d ask him why he allows decease, dictatorships and death. I’d ask him why he is so silent and apparently not even here. In Blade Runner, the Nexus 6 androids or ‘Replicants’  to use the term that they went with for the film get to actually talk to their creator, the “God of bio-mechanics” as Roy Batty calls him. They question him about why they die so soon, they want more life, they want for the god of bio-mechanics to let them into "heaven" so to speak. Problem is that the engineers who made the Nexus 6 androids gave them a four year life span. Why? Because if given any more than that, they get too smart, revolt and kill their masters. When given more than four years to live, the Nexus 6 would get too independent, volatile and unpredictable and that’s not what the powers that be want with a serving class; nope, they want the working class dumb and controllable. Here the film also offers us an interesting allusion to class issues. Should we take our given place in society? Or should we aim for more? The androids in Blade Runner want just that, they want to be like their creators. So, in order to keep the androids from rebelling or getting smarter, as a failsafe device, the Tyrell Corporation gave the Nexus 6 replicants only four years to live, after which they expire and die. In other words, the Nexus 6 are conscious of their mortality and they will fight it to the bitter end. 

So it is with some desperation that Roy Batty and his gang of androids manage to find Tyrell himself in order to ask for more life. Sadly Tyrell tells them that it’s not possible, essentially denying Roy and his crew of life. The frustration is so huge that Roy kills Tyrell, his creator, but not before telling him “I want more life fucker!”  To me this is the most pivotal scene in the whole film because it lets us know exactly what the film is about: our frustrations with death. At the same time, this scene offers some of the films most shocking and daring ideas. On this scene, Tyrell plays the role of God, the creator, while Roy Batty plays the role of the human, close to his death bed, asking god for a few more years. Again, what would you ask God if you were ever face to face with him? Well, Roy asked for more life and when he was denied it, he killed his creator, a shocking idea if you ask me, that of killing God. It’s not just any movie that will deliver the idea of anger and hatred towards God, but this one has the guts to do so. The films characters show certain contempt towards God for not having given us longer life. In this film God has created imperfect creatures with the ultimate decease: death! Not so different from the world we live in if you ask me! But, was Roy Batty justified to do what he did? Did his plea have any weight to it?

Well, if you ask me, Roy Batty may be the villain, but it feels to me like his plea is genuine, it has validity. To Batty, death just isn’t fair. He has seen and lived so much; he is frustrated that it’s all going to fade away “like tears in the rain” as he so eloquently puts it in the last moments of the film; which reminds me just how beautiful and poetic the ending of the film is. I mean, to be honest, I completely get the villain of the film, he may be a bit ‘batty’  as his last name implies, but you have to admit, his anger and frustrations are very real, it’s a cry out to life and death. Roy Batty is a desperate individual, but you have to understand, the guys body is freezing up! He can’t feel his fingers! His skin is turning white! He has to penetrate his fingers with rusty nails in order to make himself feel alive.  I compare this to those moments we’ll eventually get to in our life when we start feeling the aches and pains of old age and we start doing everything we can to battle it. We go to the gym, we eat better, we go to the doctor, doing whatever we can to fight what’s inevitably going to come. Yup, there comes a time in everyone's life when we simply won't run as well, when our resistance will be less, and we'll get tired faster. At some point in our lives, our energies will no longer be what they used to be. Our bodies will sooner or later start to show signs of wear and tear and we'll see death rearing its ugly head.  I find those last scenes in Blade Runner when Roy Batty is reminiscing about the beauty of life, when he starts remembering about that “he has seen things that you wouldn’t believe” just beautiful, like an old man remembering all those experiences he once lived and enjoyed; in many ways, Roy Batty has a lust for life, which is why death deeply saddens him. I have to admit, that scene always gets to me.

"All those moments will be lost in time...like tears in the rain"  

As an artist, Ridley Scott is obviously terribly concerned with death, which let’s face it, is kind of one of the big mysteries of life. What happens when we die? Where do we go? Do we truly just vanish? This is why inquisitive characters have always been a part of Ridley Scott’s films, so they can ask the big questions. Most recently in Prometheus (2012) he revisits the exact same themes as he played with in Blade Runner, but with a slightly more existential twist to them because in Prometheus characters aren’t just asking for life, they want the answers to the big mysteries of the universe, they want to know where we all came from as well. Prometheus is less subtle with its themes; it asks its questions louder. It proposes that our creators not only don’t like us, they also want to wipe us out like some failed experiment that has to be started over again. Hell, even Ridley Scott’s brother, director Tony Scott was obsessed with this theme of death as well; I guess it runs in the family? For example, Tony Scott’s The Hunger (1983) has David Bowie playing a half vampire who is searching for a scientific solution to old age and death. Again the idea is visited on that film, can life be expanded? Can’t we live just a little more? But going back to Blade Runner, this is a film that is extremely consistent with its death theme, for example, when Deckard is confronted by one of the androids in a fight and the android tells Deckard “Wake Up! Time to Die!” we are reminded that it’s not only old age that can kill us. And then again, in the ending of the film, when Gaff, who knows that Deckard has fallen in love with an android, tells him: “Too bad she won’t live. But then again, who does? “  And I think that ultimately, that is the films final message, that we should live our lives as passionately and as intensely as we can, because death will be a part of it, eventually.

   

R.I.P.D. (2013)

Title: R.I.P.D. (2013)

Director: Robert Schwentke

Cast: Jeff Bridges, Ryan Reynolds, Kevin Bacon, Mary-Louise Parker, James Hong

I’m sure that as a concept the idea for R.I.P.D. must have sounded good to the people behind this film. I mean, dead cops fighting ghosts and monsters? Sounds cool alright, I mean, with the right crew behind the film, this thing could have been like a mix between Ghostbusters and Men In Black. Unfortunately, judging by the resulting film, the crew behind R.I.P.D. weren’t really interested in making a decent picture. So what we’re talking about here is the first true turkey of the Summer 2013 season. Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re saying, wasn’t The Lone Ranger (2013) the biggest flop of the summer? And you’d be right, The Lone Ranger did lose a lot of money, but at least it didn’t fail because it was a bad film, it failed because it was about cowboys, and kids don’t give a crap about cowboys nowadays. If you ask me, The Lone Ranger is actually a good western that got ignored by audiences because it was bad mouthed even before it was released. I hate it when that happens! But back to R.I.P.D., now here’s a dud that failed because simply put, it’s wasn’t a good film at all, it’s just so average. And this comes from a fan of sci-fi and horror! Where did R.I.P.D. go wrong?

In R.I.P.D. we are presented with Nick, a police officer who bites the bullet in the first five minutes of the film. When he goes to the afterlife, he learns that when police officers die they immediately join an undead police force called R.I.P.D. which stands for Rest in Peace Department, get it? So anyhow, Nick is assigned to work with Roy (Jeff Bridges) who in accordance to buddy cop movie rule #579 immediately hates his new partner. Jesus, when will they ever break with these silly cliché’s in buddy cop movies? Don’t they realize they are making the same damn movie for the millionth time? So anyway Nick and Roy partner up to find some undead dude who wants to destroy the tunnel that people take to go to heaven? Will they manage to stop him before the undead roam the earth?

The concept of undead cops fighting ghost and goblins is a good one, unfortunately the movie these guys made isn’t. Okay, think of the possibilities of cops fighting ghosts? It just sounds cool don’t it? Unfortunately Robert Schwentke, the director behind this film and the writers Phil Hay and Matt Manfredi decided to focus all their strengths into making their own version of a MIB movie but with ghosts instead of aliens, as a result the concept immediately looses any possibility of novelty. You feel you’ve been there and done that, but without Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones and without Rick Baker doing the cool make up effects. What you get though is wisecracking Ryan Reynolds playing the rookie cop and Jeff Bridges playing a grouchy cowboy, similar to the one he played in the Coen Bros. film True Grit (2010). I mean, this is such a rip off of Men in Black that you can literally take any character from R.I.P.D. and find its counterpart in Men In Black. R.I.P.D. is a Xerox copy with zero originality, and you can put that on your dvd cover if you want, free of charge.

On top of all that, the movie is kind of afraid to embrace the kind of film it’s supposed to be, which is an ailment that many films dealing with horror elements are suffering from in todays modern cinematic landscape. I mean, with very few exceptions, like Fede Alvarez’s Evil Dead (2013), truly horrifying films have been disappearing from cinemas. And so what we get are these watered down versions of horror, which is just sad. Do you think the folks behind Dead Heat (1988), the movie about two cops who become zombies, were afraid of the fact that they were making a zombie film? Hell no! They made a damn good zombie/buddy cop movie! And they made no apologies about it! With R.I.P.D., we’re talking about a film that deals with the supernatural, the undead, about ghosts, it’s common sense that the film needed to be spookier, scarier, we’re dealing with freaking ghosts here man! It would have been a good idea to mix the comedy with the horror. The way Ghostbusters (1984) or Beetlejuice (1989) did? Instead, the movie is so squeaky clean it doesn’t feel like a movie about ghosts, it doesn’t even feel like a movie about the supernatural. Hell, even the ghosts don’t look like ghosts! And here’s where the film really failed for me. Every single one of its creatures where terrible computer generated images, I mean, just atrocious! And that’s one thing that they didn’t manage to duplicate from the MIB films, the excellent make up and visual effects. I mean in Men In Black 3 (2012) for example, the visual and make up effects were top notch! The movie might have been simple as hell, but the effects were entertaining an extremely well achieved. On R.I.P.D. they failed to deliver good effects, the character designs where just banal. The one thing that matters the most in a movie of this kind -the monsters- where not handled well at all and that my friends is what brought this movie down to the ground.

Is there anything good to say about R.I.P.D.? Well, the one saving grace the film has is Bridges and Reynolds keeping things fun with their banter. But then again, it’s nothing you haven’t seen before in thousands of other buddy cop films. The older cop hates his new partner, you know how that goes, they have to learn to appreciate each other for who they are and so forth. There’s a couple of funny ideas squeezed in there, like the fact that the undead has to get into a bathroom and flush the toilet to go to the real world, or the fact that Ryan Reynolds looks like James Hong to humans, and Bridges looks like a super hot model, which creates some funny moments, but you kind of feel they could have milked that premise a bit more. Well, over all, that’s it my friends. R.I.P.D. is a missed opportunity, a film based on a comic book with a nifty premise that unfortunately spawned a very derivative film. You might have some goofy fun with this one, but I say wait for it on dvd and even then, don’t expect too much. Afterwards, you’ll feel like the MIB used their brain washing machine on ya.

Rating: 2 ½ out of 5   

The Shadow (1994)

Title: The Shadow (1994)

Director: Russell Mulcahy

Cast: Alec Baldwin, Penelope Ann Miller, Peter Boyle, Ian McKellen, Tim Curry, James Hong

The Shadow came out during the 90’s, at a time when Hollywood was producing comic book movies trying to duplicate the success that Warner Bros. had with Tim Burton’s Batman (1989). I guess its part of what you’d call the 90’s comic book movie revival? So anyhow’s Hollywood’s idea of making a successful comic book movie at that time was reviving the oldest comic book heroes; the tried and true characters from the golden days. I guess they thought these old characters would still be in the public’s collective mind, but boy where they wrong. While The Shadow is a character with lots of background and history, it is a hero that comes out of the 30’s; out of the depression era and well, that was a long time ago. People don’t want old heroes like The Phantom or The Shadow, they want contemporary heroes like The X-Men and Spiderman. And so, films like The Phantom (1995) and The Shadow didn’t exactly grow legs at the box office when they were released. The Rocketeer (1991) also failed because it was also a period comic book film that took place during the 30’s. So apparently, any comic book film that takes place in the old days is doomed to failure. But if you ask me, The Shadow didn’t deserve to fail at all, it’s a very fun film, a well produced comic book adaptation that is quite faithful to its source material. The Shadow you knew from the comics, novels and the radio shows is The Shadow you get on this film.

The Shadow tells the story of ‘Ying-Ko’ a ruthless opium dealer from Malaysia who is suddenly abducted by these monks, not sure if they are Tibetan or not so don’t ask. But they do have this cool looking temple in the shape of a Snake! So anyways, the leader of these monks is a holy man known as ‘The Tulku’ and he tells Ying-Ko that he will be given a chance to redeem himself. He will live amongst the monks for seven years and learn to “cloud mans minds”. Fast forward seven years and now Ying-Ko is living in New York City, is reformed and calls himself by his real name, Lamont Cranston. During the day, he is a wealthy “man about town” but at night, he roams the city streets using his new acquired powers to fight crime and protect the innocent. He is “The Shadow”, a mysterious figure that has the ability to make himself invisible to others, and hypnotize evil doers. What evil lurks in the hearts of man? The Shadow knows!  

So in my book, this is an excellent movie that didn’t deserve to fail at all. In fact, out of the these three old timey comic book movies of the 90’s, The Shadow is the one I like the most. The production values where high on this one, it had a lot of style, a lot of class and to top things off an amazing cast! I think it’s sad that modern audiences just can’t connect with a period comic book film. I guess this proves that it’s true, the grand majority of movie going audiences are young kids who don’t really care for anything remotely related to the past. The most recent example I can think of right now is The Lone Ranger (2013), a film with huge production values (above the 200 million dollar mark), a good director, a huge star and great visual effects. Unfortunately it is also a cowboy movie and kids just don’t connect with those anymore either, so I guess, the lesson to Hollywood is, if you want to make a movie that takes place in the old days, you better either make it hip and cool (for example The Great Gatsby (2013)) or make it an indie with a low budget, for the art house crowd because if you don’t, you risk having a turkey and loosing your precious millions. My cry out to modern audiences is, give these types of movies a chance because you just might be missing out on a good movie! Case in point: The Shadow.

What I love about The Shadow is the character itself, the whole set up behind him, the premise. The character looks so cool with his black hat and trench coat, with his twin guns! The red scarf, the mysterious eyes, it’s a great visual in my book. But back in the 30’s, fans of The Shadow could only imagine him, you have to remember, this is a character that comes out of an era when people heard radio shows! Back in the 30’s comic book movies didn’t multiply like rabbits the way they do today, in fact, comic book super heroes hadn’t made the leap to the silver screen yet, that wouldn’t happen until The Adventures of Captain Marvel debuted in 1941, yes my friends, Captain Marvel (a.k.a. Shazam!) was the first super hero to get his very own feature film! So until that day would come along, all comic book fans had during the 30’s were radio shows. They’d have to snuggle up next to their radios and hear their comic book heroes fight crime! Comic book fans had to imagine everything back in those days, which is quite cool when you think about it! I remember when The Shadow hit theaters back in ’94, they re-issued a couple of these old radio shows and I bought a couple of them because I wanted to experience what it was like to listen and imagine these old Shadow stories. I can’t tell you how much fun I had listening to these old radio shows! I remember one of the stories was called “The Man Who Wasn’t There”. There was this aura of mystery to these old radio shows that was just awesome, they were very atmospheric, very spooky. And this is something that this film effectively translated to the silver screen.

On this film The Shadow inhabits a dark, seedy New York City filled with art deco buildings and big band dance clubs. Russell Mulcahy, this film’s director, turned The Shadow into a nourish event, a film noir in every sense of the word. What’s film noir you ask? Well, these are films that usually take place in urban settings (a city), at night and crime, sex and violence usually figure into the story one way or another. The wind is always blowing in the city streets; the lighting on these films is purposely dark, thunder is clapping, there’s always an aura of mystery to these films, and I just love the hell out of all that ambiance, that atmosphere. So The Shadow brings all that mystical mystery from old film noir back to the silver screen. Keeping in line with one of the requirements of a film noir, the hero is doomed somehow, he has a dark side, and The Shadow most certainly has that in spades. The Shadow knows what evil lurks in the hearts of man because he himself has to keep that evil side of him under control, he was once ruthless, once cold, he has a constant battle with his inner demons. One wonderfully awesome dream sequence has Lamont Cranston actually ripping his face off and revealing the villains face underneath! So we got a character that’s tormented by his dark past, constantly trying to forgive himself, redeem himself. Speaking of The Shadow himself, what a wonderfully spot on casting decision it was to put Alec Baldwin in this role! This was before he went into the “Fat Elvis” stage he is now. Back in ’94 Alec Baldwin still had some of those dashing good looks to him, plus that voice is perfect for The Shadow.

The rest of the cast is equally great. I don’t know what happened to Penelope Anne Miller, but man, I wish she was still around making movies. She looks amazing playing Margo Lane. She wears these silky dresses that look amazing on her, especially in dream sequences! The best part about Margo Lane is that she’s is never, for one second portrayed as a helpless damsel in distress. In fact, if we get down to it she plays an important part in saving the day, I liked that about this movie. The damsel actually becomes something of a threat to The Shadow! Then we have the great Tim Curry playing a mad scientist and Ian McKellen playing a goofy one. John Lone plays Shiwan Kan, the last living descendent of Genghis Kan! The villain in this film has the traditional villainous desire to “conquer the world” by destroying it first; which brings to mind that the film isn’t all that original in terms of story. But so what, this movie is more about the look and feel then the brains behind it. There’s tons of style and atmosphere here, not to mention fun. The film was written by David Koep and I have to admit, his dialog was interesting, funny, it kept me entertained. Koep wisely keeps things light by spreading jokes in the dialog to liven things up, so be alert for a lot of word play.  There’s this hilarious scene where hero and villain are discussing the fate of the world and suddenly it turns into this: “Lovely tie, by the way. May I ask where you acquired it?” “Brooks Brothers” “Is that Mid-town?” “45^th and Madison; you are a Barbarian.” “Thank You!” So you should have fun with the script which is very witty and clever.

Russell Mulcahy brings a visual flare to the film by adding lots of interesting camera angles and gimmicks to keep things visually interesting, the production has a lush quality to it as well. I think he was an excellent choice to direct this film. For example, Russell’s visual trickery involves scenes like this inspired moment in which we follow a canister with a message in it as the canister travels through a series of funnels, spread out through the city…awesome sequence! Speaking of visually interesting directors, Sam Raimi expressed interest at one point to direct yet another Shadow film, in fact he stated that he owns the rights to the character, unfortunately, the last he said on that subject was that a good script had not been produced yet, and so, as far as I know, that idea has been shelved. Maybe one day, a hip young director will find a way to make a Shadow film that can connect with modern audiences by somehow bringing The Shadow into the modern age. But if you ask me, I like The Shadow just the way he was portrayed on this film, living in the 30’s New York City, going to dance clubs, moving around in taxi cabs, romancing the ladies. The Shadow works best in that era, working the dark, seedy city streets, hiding in the shadows, cackling away at the bad guys from the nothingness…around every corner, in every empty room, as inevitable as your guilty conscience.

Rating:  4 ½ out of 5 

The Golden Child (1986)

Title: The Golden Child (1986)

Director: Michael Ritchie

Cast:  Eddie Murphy, Charles Dance, Charlotte Lewis, Victor Wong, James Hong, Randall Tex Cobb

Review:

It is said that every thousand generations, a perfect child is born and that this child will come to free us from ourselves. This magical child is supposed to bring compassion to humanity. If for whatever reason, the kid dies, then all hope and compassion will disappear from the world, and the world will turn into hell itself, literally. This is the premise for Michael Ritchie’s The Golden Child, an Eddie Murphy vehicle that was released onto the world right after Eddie Murphy had completed his work on Beverly Hills Cop (1984), in other words, when his fame was really starting to take off. For a moment there, Murphy was on fire in theaters making people laugh with one great comedy after another. I’m talking he was making films like Trading Places (1983), 48 Hrs. (1982) and Beverly Hills Cop II (1987). If you ask me, Murphy got as high as he was going to go in terms of comedy and quality with John Landis’s super comedy Coming to America (1988); now there’s a funny Eddie Murphy movie! After that, he’d continue making movies, but he never reached the success or levels of funny he reached during his golden years; the 80’s. But amongst all those funny movies he made during the 80’s, one was a stinker in my book, and that was The Golden Child.  Let’s find out why shall we?

So yeah, there’s a magical kid who’s kind of like the second coming of Christ or something, he’s been kidnapped from his Buddhist temple by this bad guy called ‘Sardo Numpsa’. You see old Sardo wants to make the kid drink some blood in order to corrupt his pure body. Then he wants to kill the kid so he won’t bring goodness to the world or something like that. In comes Chandler Jarrell (Murphy) a private detective who specializes in missing children cases. He doesn’t know it yet, but he is “the chosen one”, destined to save and protect The Golden Child. Will his wise ass remarks get in the way of saving The Golden Child?

The Golden Child is one of these movies that was originally intended to be one kind of a film, and ended up being another. At one point, this film was going to be a serious adventure film starring Mel Gibson. Even cooler, it was going to be directed by John Carpenter! Imagine that? Mel Gibson passing up this project was fine by me because instead he went and did Lethal Weapon (1987), a far more memorable film. Interesting thing about Carpenter’s involvement with The Golden Child is that he passed on it but then went on to direct Big Trouble in Little China (1986), a film that also dealt with Chinese mysticism, and also starred James Hong, Victor Wong and Peter Kwong. I guess Carpenter decided to go and do his own Chinese mysticism flick; his way. And thank the movie gods for that! Otherwise we would have never had a Big Trouble In Little China! So suddenly we had two studios making similar films, who was going to beat who to premiere day? Story goes that Big Trouble in Little China was rushed through post production in order to premiere before The Golden Child! Michael Ritchie was the guy who ended up directing The Golden Child; Ritchie’s a director who mostly specialized in directing comedies. He’s the director behind such comedy classics as The Bad News Bears (1976), Fletch (1985), Wild Cats (1986) and Fletch Lives! (1989), so in a way, it makes perfect sense that he’s the guy who ended up behind the cameras.

When Mel Gibson passed on the role of Chandler Jarrell, the producers opted to put Murphy in the starring role and had the script rewritten in order to turn it into a comedy. So what we have here ladies and gentlemen is one of those movies where everybody is dead serious, except for the main star who spends the whole film reacting to everything with a funny remark. Eddie Murphy literally replies with a funny remark to everything in this movie! So the comedy element of the film rests entirely on the shoulders of Eddie Murphy. Gotta admit he is one of the things that makes this movie watchable. The film might feel pointless and silly, but it had Eddie Murphy back when he was still a funny man, not the softy he’s become recently. Is there some sort of contract that prohibits Murphy from making films with some guts to them? All he makes now are freaking family comedies! So anyhow, it’s Murphy’s funny one liners that make this one bearable in my book.  

This movie gets lambasted by reviewers and critics everywhere, perhaps unfairly I might add. There’s this hive like mentality to immediately hate Eddie Murphy and everything he does, and I actually understand it because of the terrible films he currently makes, but once upon a time, Murphy was at the top of his game. He had an edge, he was actually funny. What happened to him that changed his persona so drastically? I don’t know, perhaps he became a dad and started seeing things differently? I don’t hate the Murphy’s old films; I find his early stuff truly hilarious. Try watching Trading Places (1983) and not laughing. I dare ya! I double dare ya! True, The Golden Child is not his brightest day in the sun, but hey, it’s got some fun things about it. For example, there’s this scene in the film that’s a flat out homage to The 36^th Chamber of Shaolin (1978) but with Murphy saying jokes as he passes the tests. We get two stop motion animated creatures, a  half snake, half human lady, and a demon from hell that’s really weird looking in design, I don’t know what the inspiration was for that creature.  In terms of mood, they were obviously going for a mix between 36^th Chamber of Shaolin and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984), there’s this whole subplot about finding a magical dagger that reminded me of Indy searching for that idol. Overall, The Golden Child feels like a pointless movie that simply goes through the motions without any real impact. Still, if you want to see every film Murphy has made, there are far worse film on his repertoire for you to explore.

Rating: 2 out of 5 

The Vineyard (1989)

Title: The Vineyard (1989)

Director: James Hong, William Rice

Writer: James Hong, Karen Witter

Review:

Apparently, the experience of playing ‘David Lo Pan’ the main villain in John Carpenter’s Big Trouble in Little China (1986) left quite an impression on actor James Hong because after that film, he went on to write and direct his own little horror movie, entitled The Vineyard; which has a lot of similarities with Carpenter’s Big Trouble in Little China, but more on that later. I’ve been searching for obscure zombie movies to review during this Halloween season and The Vineyard is a film that I remember having seen on video store shelves in the 80’s and 90’s, but for whatever the reason never got around to renting. That cover with the monstrous face looking at the chemical vials always called my attention, and so, the time to satiate my morbid curiosity for this obscure zombie flick arrived; I finally had a chance to see it. Boy was I in for a heavy slice of cheese!

On this flick we meet Dr. Ellison Po, a rich entrepreneur who specializes in making some of the finest wines in the world, how special are his wines? Well people are willing to pay thousands and thousands of dollars for just one bottle! What is the secret to his wine? Dr. Po is a special kind of guy, people seem to love him, the women adore him, the guy even has his own private island in which he grows the grapes for his wine. As if Dr. Po wasn’t prolific enough, he is also a film producer and has invited a group of aspiring actors and actresses to his island to audition for his new film. What the troupe of actors doesn’t know is that Dr. Po has sinister plans in store for them!

So yeah, this movie is flat out terrible in many ways, but as is usually the case with films of this nature, there’s some enjoyment to be had. Where to start with this movie? We could start by analyzing the script which is a huge mess. It has many unanswered questions and situations that seem to happen for no reason whatsoever. For example, Dr. Po has zombies buried in his vineyard, and every now and again they come out from their graves. It is never explained why they are there or why they decide to come out of their graves every once in a while; it feels like an element that was only added into the script in order to spicen up an otherwise dull film. It’s never explained why Dr. Po can control them with the power of his mind and send them back to their graves, through the magic of reverse photography no less! Dr. Po’s special wine is apparently made of human blood, but I can only deduce this from one scene in which they dip a girl inside of a vat of wine. You get the idea that Dr. Po’s wine makes people live longer, but that is never fully explained either. As you can see, this is the kind of film in which you have to deduce things for yourself because the film simply doesn’t do a good job explain them very well.

The film has a very high sleaze factor to it; there’s tons of female nudity and James Hong actually ends up making out with some really beautiful actresses, you kind of feel that it’s one of the reasons why Hong wanted to make this film; so he could make out with a couple of girls? He comes off as a sleazebag on this film, and old geezer trying to hook up with a bunch of younger, way too hot for him girls. The idea is that he drinks these potions to stay young so he can make out with all these hot bomb shells, problem is that the potion really keeps him middle aged, he doesn’t really look young because Hong wasn’t all that young when he made this film to begin with! It’s kind of funny when you think about it. In his defense, Hong does turn in a whacky performance as a really weird character. There’s this scene where everyone is in a costume party and he is dancing with a mask on, weird stuff. We get girls, half naked, chained in some sort of dungeon, I mean, it’s a sleazy film.

Earlier I spoke of the similarities between The Vineyard and Big Trouble in Little China and I just want to point out that they really are numerous! I guess that John Carpenter’s film really made an impression on Hong, let’s see, The Vineyard is all about an aging billionaire who lives an isolated life, but is looking for that perfect wife, a woman who ‘fits the bill’ so he can sacrifice her to his god. This Mayan god is supposed to grant Dr. Po everlasting life if he marries this blonde actress? Who by the way looks a heck of a lot like Kim Cattrall from Big Trouble in Little China! Dr. Po has to take the girl to an altar to sacrifice her, the good guys have to stop the sacrifice…Dr. Po has his future wife in some sort of trance…I mean, does this sound like the plot for Big Trouble in Little China or is it just me? The script is so screwed up that it presenst us with the character of Dr. Po, a Chinese guy who should be worshipping Chinese gods right? But no, the god whom he worships is a Mayan God? But then there’s this other sub plot about an amulet giving him eternal life and the amulet is Chinese in nature? As you can see, the script is messy, don't try and make sense of it, just go with the flow and enjoy this cheesy train wreck.  

Mr. David Lo Pan, I mean, Dr. Ellison Po, drinking his youth potion

The one to blame for this disaster of a flick is actor James Hong who pulled a triple punch on this production by acting, writing and directing the film. Unfortunately he was not very good at either of these tasks. Don’t get me wrong, Hong is a good actor, I’ve seen him do great things in other films, Big Trouble in Little China being one of them, but as evidenced by the way The Vineyard turned out; writing and directing are not his fortes. Still, there’s fun to be had in terms of the bad dialog and situations. Honestly, I love hearing actors pull off these terrible lines of dialog. Speaking of the acting in the film, it is extremely amateurish in nature; NOBODY turns in a believable performance. The film ends in a completely nonsensical fashion, which reminds me, if you ever do watch this movie, just remember that you’ll be asking yourself "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" in the midst of all your giggling, which is really all this movie is good for, so enjoy this slice of cheese, they don’t make them like this anymore!

Rating: 1 ½ out of 5