Ask my friends and they’ll tell ya, I was pumped as hell for
this new Robocop movie! Why? Because I love the character, ever since I was a
kid I loved all things Robocop. So of course I gave this reboot the benefit of
the doubt. But now that it’s out on video I can finally give it a proper watch,
no expectations, no anticipation, I just watched the movie for what it is. What
I wanted to do was pinpoint the exact reasons why it just wasn’t feeling right;
cause it never did. Feel right I mean. Boy is this one a letdown, and in so
many ways! I still love the original better. So here I leave you guys with the
reasons why the new Robocop sucked so badly.
No Urban Decay
In Veerhoven’s Robocop, Detroit was a city in ruins, a dark,
decaying city in which crime had taken over; in fact, this is the main reason
why Robocop was created, to bring crime rates down so OCP could build their
precious Delta City. On the new film, crime isn’t even an issue. The city of
Detroit looks clean and wholesome, a far cry from the almost post-apocalyptic
feel that Veerhoven brought to the original film. Where’s the criminals?
Where’s the terror on the streets?
Robocop Isn’t Special Anymore
One of the things that made Robocop special was that in the
first film he was a one of a kind experiment. He was the first cyborg, the
first mix of man and robot, the first freaking android. It’s what made him so
damn unique and special when he walked down the streets. Sadly on the new film
he is just another robot amongst an army of robots that OCP has built. You see
on this new film OCP uses their robots for military purposes, so robots are
actually becoming common place in this new film; a fact that strips Robocop of
his uniqueness.
No Memorable Villains
Where’s Dick Jones or Clarence Boddicker? I mean, wow, on
the first film it seems everyone that was behind creating Robocop was a major
villain, even Robocop’s creator only saw Robocop as a means to climb the
corporate ladder, as a product, nothing else. The villains in the original
Robocop were these big bombastic, selfish villains, the kind that are loud, theatrical
and insane…not so on this new film where we don’t even get a decent villain. You
know how in the original Robocop villains just went crazy blowing shit up with
their super guns? Just because? There’s no such insanity on this new movie, Michael
Keaton doesn’t exactly exude evil from his pores does he? Every time I see him,
I just see Beetlejuice. This gets me to thinking: where have all the memorable
movie villains gone?
Not a Drop of Blood or Graphic Violence
So shoot me, I enjoy over the top violence in films. I know
it’s not real, which is exactly what makes it fun to watch! I mean, how about that
scene where they pour a vat of chemicals over a villain’s entire body?! What a
sight! And how’s about when officer Murphy’s completely over the top death
sequence in which they blow up his hand and shoot his brains out? Do you think
Robocop shoots bad guys in their genitals on this new film? Hell no! On this
new one there isn’t even a hint of that. This new one is the kind of movie
where lots of bullets fly, but not an ounce of blood is spilled. Why are action
films being softened up like this? Making this new Robocop film PG-13 was a bad
move creeps! It sucks balls! I want the over the top violence; it was fun!
Robocop’s Black Suit Does Not Look Robotic
On the original film, Robocop has an all metallic look; this
helped him look more robotic. With the black suit from the new film, he looks
like a man in a suit; he does not look like a robot. Apparently the filmmakers
realized that the black suit didn’t really work because in the last moments of
the new film they turn him back to metallic look? So it’s like they realized
they made a huge mistake going with the black, but it was too late, they’d
already made the movie, so they turned him back to the metallic look in the
last frames. Ugh, black Robocop sucks. Give us the original design again. It
was way better.
The Actor Who Plays Robocop Was A Bad Choice
I don't have anything against the actor, but Joel Kinnaman looks goofy as Robocop. He has a goofy looking face; they needed an actor that
didn’t look funny in Robo gear. I think it’s something about his round
clownish nose or something, but I just couldn’t take the actor seriously. A
goofy looking Robocop was not a smart move for this revamping of the character.
I Miss Stop Motion Animation
True, stop motion animation always looked kind of fake in
certain movies, but I’m of the opinion that for the Robocop movies, stop motion
animation actually worked very well. I mean, we’re talking about robots, they
don’t have to look life like, they simply have to look robotic and in my
opinion robotic movements can be achieved well through stop motion animation. I miss stuff like that whole ending sequence
in Robocop 2 where the two robots are destroying the city as they fight. Let’s
face it, the stop motion animation work done in Robocop 2 by Phil Tippet and
crew is awesome to behold. You can bet your ass I didn’t enjoy the CGI fest in
the last minutes of the new Robocop. It’s been happening to me more and more
often with CGI filled movies, I grow detached because nothing feels real. Sigh.
Where’s the Freaking Satire?
The original Robocop wasn’t a comedy, but it had comedic
elements to it. It had satire; it was an exaggeration of real life. This was
something that was sorely missing from the new Robocop. It was lifeless and
boring, all the characters, all the situations, everything was downplayed to a
nullifying, boring film. That satirical tone from the original film was what
made it so special. Where were the fake commercials and television shows? That
commercial for a board game called ‘Nuke ‘Em’ where you’re supposed to nuke
your opponent with nuclear weapons? Hilarious! Where was the “I’d buy that for
a dollar” guy? There was nothing similar to any of that in the new film, and it
shows. What we were left with was this serious and boring film that only made
me miss the sarcastic, mordant tone of the original.
They Eliminated Robocop's Relationship with Lewis
Now this is one of the suckiest things about the new film, they
relegated Robocop’s relationship with Lewis to zero. I loved how in the
original, Robocop had a lady for a partner, I loved that it was Lewis, I loved
that she was this tough chick that could kick as much ass as Robocop. She knew Murphy, she
was closest to him before he died. Why the hell change Lewis into a man and on
top of everything, Lewis isn’t even part of the film, he’s like a totally forgettable
second tier character in the background somewhere. Ugh; bad idea.
Robocop the Family Man
The first film creates Robocop and quickly puts him on the
streets to do what we want to see him do, fight crime, kick ass. I mean, at the
end of the day Robocop is all about cleaning up the streets and fighting crime.
Unfortunately this new movie focuses more on Robocop trying to be a family man,
all this was quickly brushed upon in the original film to get to the good
stuff, Robo vs. the bad guys. Sure Robocop misses his family in the first film,
even going as far as returning to his old family home only to discover an empty
house for sale, but he quickly realizes he can’t be a family man anymore. It’s
who he used to be, not who he is now. On this new one for some reason he thinks
he can still be a father to his kid? Or a husband to his wife? How exactly is
this supposed to work? Those scenes with Robocop visiting his son and wife just
feel all wrong. How can the wife expect Murphy to still be a father and a
husband? He’s a freaking cyborg lady! Wake up! Point is, we want to see Robocop
fighting bad guys, not trying to go back to family life that he can obviously
no longer be a part of.
It’s PG-13
Finally, the real reason why I just don’t like this new
Robocop; its PG-13 and as a result toned down for mass consumption. This means,
no profanity, no drugs, no nudity. I mean, how awesome is that scene in the
original Robocop in which Robocop’s creator (played by Miguel Ferrer) snorts
cocaine from the breast of not one, but two prostitutes!? And they made a
Saturday morning cartoon out of this movie!? Only in the 80’s! And only in the
80’s would you see the good guy slashing the bad guys throat, and then having
said bad guys blood fall all over Robocop’s face! From inception, Robocop was a sci-fi actioneer for adults, why change what made it successful? Of course people will be dissapointed when they find out that what made the original cool is no longer there. Only in the 80’s could you
see Robocop shoot a rapist in the nut sack and then say the classic one liner:
“You’re move…creep!” Speaking of which, another reason I don’t like this new
Robocop: NO ONE LINERS! I want the 80’s back that’s all there is to it.
