Friday, July 17, 2015

Biggest Cliché’s in Movie History: Villains Who Fall to Their Deaths

A scene from Hitchcock's Saboteur (1942) 

One of the biggest cliché’s in films is the one where the villain falls to his death. This plot device is used in order to rid the hero of any responsibility for the villains’ death. In this way, the hero remains a hero, he doesn’t become a murderer. This is why so many Disney’s villains fall to their deaths, the hero must remain pure, with no blood on his hands, because, you know, a ‘good guy’ doesn’t kill anyone, not even bad guys. Still, in some cases heroes are so bad ass that they don’t care; they just push, shoot or shove the villain so he or she falls to their deaths.  Two things always happen just before the villain falls to his or her death. The villain will always do something really evil like trying to kill the hero, because in this way, the villain will deserve his death. After his evil deed, the villain will trip or lose his footing and then gravity does the rest. In most cases, the hero (being good till the very end) will always try and save the villain before they fall, because you know, he’s the good guy. Most movies that end this way climax on a mountain top, on top of a building, a castle, or on top of a bridge, point is, they always end on a high structure so the villain can have a good trip down. And yet another thing that characterizes this cliché is that the fall itself will always looks like a cheesy special effect, especially in older movies. So here I offer you a list of some of the movies that end this way, remember, this article shows how the movie ends, so it be filled with spoilers. You’ve been warned!


Film:  Darkman (1990)

Villain: Louis Strack Jr.

Why this Villain Deserved to Die: His greed got a hold of him, which is a common factor in these types of deaths. In his lust for power, Louis Strack Jr. was the kind of guy willing to do anything to get his buildings built in order to have his empire. But one building was getting in his way, Payton Westlake’s laboratory. So in true villain fashion, Strack sent a bunch of thugs to blow up Westlake’s laboratory, with him and his assitant in it. Unfortunately for Strack, Westlake didn’t die, he only became the impervious to pain hero known as Darkman. Darkman and Strack end up fighting on top of one of Strack’s buildings, which just so happened to still be under construction. Strack of course ends up falling to his death, impaling himself on metal bars that stuck out of the ground.  

Villainous quote:  “You truly are one ugly son of a bitch! What do you think Julie? Who’s the real monster here? I destroy to build something better! Whereas you? You’re a man who destroys for revenge! Look! Look about you! It’s all mine! Because I built it! I built it all!”


Film:  Robocop (1987)

Villain: Dick Jones

Why this Villain Deserved to Die: Again, it’s all about greed and getting buildings built. Dick Jones is the man behind ED-209, a surveillance robot meant to patrol the streets of Detroit as it gets rebuilt and turned into the futuristic ‘Delta City’. While presenting ED-209 to his superiors for approval, ED-209 starts to glitch and accidentally kills a member of the board! So of course ED-209 gets rejected. Fortunately, another surveillance robot was in the woks and ready to go and so, Bob Morton’s Robocop gets chosen by OCP to protect the city of Detroit. Dick Jones’ villainous side is ignited by envy and so he does his best to make it look like Robocop is a failure so that his ED-209 robot gets chosen again; all so he could move up the corporate ladder.  In the end, Robocop catches Jones on a corporate meeting, shows the board the evidence that demonstrates what a villain he, shoots Dick and sends him many stories down to a bloody, splattery, off screen death.  

Villainous quote:  “I had to kill Bob Morton because he made a mistake, now it’s time to erase that mistake.”


Film:  Batman (1989)

Villain: The Joker

Why this Villain Deserved to Die: The Joker lives for revenge. You see, once upon a time, Batman turned him into a freak with a skin problem and a permanent smile on his face, so now he wants to do the same to everyone in Gotham City by mixing oxic chemicals into every day household products, so a combination of any given products (say lipstick and deodorant) could end up killing anyone who uses them. The twist is that the victims end up with a Joker style smile on their faces. But this is just one of many ways in which The Joker wants to mess with Gothamites. He’s ultimate plan is to kill everyone in the streets by offering “free money” to anyone who shows up to his parade! When every needy, greedy Gothamite shows up, he releases a deadly Toxic into the air! The Joker and Bats ends up fighting each other on top of a Gothic church. At one moment, while both Bats and Joker are fighting on a particularly dangerous ledge, The Joker attempts to escape on a helicopter when Batman shoots a grappling hook that grabs the Joker by the leg and ultimately makes The Joker fall to his death on the cobblestone streets of Gotham City.   

Villainous quote:  “I now do what other people only dream; I make art until someone dies. See? I’m the world’s first fully functioning homicidal artist!”


Film:  The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (2003)

Villain: Gollum/Smeagol

Why this Villain Deserved to Die: Gollum was willing to do anything to reacquire the ring of power that allows anyone who wears it to become invisible, amongst other things. He helps the hobbits on their journey to destroy the evil ring, but his real purpose is to try and reacquire the ring at the last minute, just as it is about to be destroyed. Gollum ends up struggling with Frodo for the ring, only to end up falling off a cliff and into a lake of molten lava. Weird part is he dies happy, with a smile on his face, because he finally got what he wanted, his “precious” ring of power.  

Villainous quote:  “Naughty little fly, why does it cry? Caught in a web, soon to be…eaten!”


Film: Dredd (2012)
 
Villain: Ma-Ma

Why this Villain Deserved to Die: She’s a ruthless drug lord selling a drug called ‘Slo-Mo’ to the masses. The drug makes you experience life at a fraction of its normal speed. To the user, the drug slows everything down and makes it look as if you’re watching life in slow motion. When the Judges come for her, she locks down the entire building in which she resides. The Judges must make their way up to her, in the highest levels of the building. Of course Dredd finds her and sends her falling down to her death. Weird part about her death is that she takes a drag of Slow Mo before going down, so she experiences her death in Slow Mo, all the way down! Thankfully, the splattery death does not happen off-screen and we get to see her face as it smashes the ground. And in slow mo as well!

Villainous quote: “If I hear of anyone helping the Judges, I will kill them and the next generation of their families. As for the Judges, sit tight or run. It makes no difference. You’re mine”


Film:  Stat Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)

Villain: Kruge

Why this Villain Deserved to Die: All Kruge the Klingon cares about is uncovering the secrets of Genesis, the experimental terraforming device that could turn a planet that was once inhabitable, into one with breathable air. Problem is he thinks it’s a weapon that the federation wants to use against The Klingons, when in fact it’s an experiment. In the climactic battle of Kruge vs. Capt. Kirk, the two fight it of in the midst of a planet that is self destroying. At one point, Kruge ends of hanging from a cliff, at which point Captain Kirk takes the opportunity to kick Kruge’s face with his boot a few times until seconds later Kruge is on his way down to a fiery pit of molten lava. As you can see from this list, the pit of molten lava is a reoccurring element in this particular cliché.  
  
Villainous quote: “I hope pain is something you enjoy” 


Film:  Mortal Kombat (1995)

Villain: Shang Tsung

Why this Villain Deserved to Die: Well, for one he’s just like Dracula, first he invites, then he wants to kill you. You see, Shang Tsung runs this tournament which invites fighters from all sorts of worlds and dimensions. Sadly, Shang Tsung’s ultimate goal is to suck up everybody’s souls, so of course he deserves to die! In the climactic battle, it’s Liu Kang who ends up sending Shang Tsung falling on a pit filled with deadly spikes! A stage fatality no less!

Villainous quote:  “You’re soul is mine!”


Film:  Red Sonja (1985)

Villain: Queen Gedren

Why this Villain Deserved to Die: Queen Gedren is the a-typical villain who wants to destroy the whole world so she can take over it. In order to do so she steals this magical talisman that can bring total destruction upon the earth, nevermind that everyone is afraid of it and that it is said that no one can truly control it, again, lust for power blinds the villain. Thankfully Red Sonja and Conan (ahem, I mean ‘Kalidor’) get to Queen Gedren’s castle just in time to stop her. Sonja and Gedren duke it out with swords and magic, of course Sonja wins the day and hurls Queen Gedren to a fiery pit, because for some reason, all villains have a bottomless pit right next to their thrones in movies that end with this cliché.  

Villainous quote:  “It’ll be buried when I have no further use for it and that time will come with the end of time itself!”


Film:  Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)

Villain: Darth Maul

Why this Villain Deserved to Die: Well, basically he’s Emperor Palpatines right hand man, and Emperor Palpatine is the ultimate evil in the universe. It’s no surprise that both Palpatine and Darth Maul end up having almost identical deaths. But now that I think about it, Darth Mauls death is way more terrible! He gets sliced in half by Obi-Wan Kenobi’s light saber and then gets thrown into an endless pit!  

Villainous quote:  “At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi; at last we will have our revenge!”


Film:  Star Wars Episode VI: The Return of the Jedi (1983)

Villain: Emperor Palpatine

Why this Villain Deserved to Die: Basically he took over the entire universe by masquerading himself as a good politician who cares for his people (don’t they always?) when in reality what he wanted was to hold the universe under his tyrannical rule. In order to achieve this, he built a planet destroying monstrosity called the Death Star; a flying mechanical planet with capabilities to blow up any other planet that doesn’t surrender to his rule. But since the good guys always win in the Star Wars movies it’s the Emperor’s own right hand man, Darth Vader who ends up betraying him and hurling him down a  pit (again, right next to the throne) which apparently has something deadly at the end of it because it ends up making the emperor explode in blue flames! I guess all that pent up evil power had to go somewhere!   

Villainous quote:  “The hate is swelling in you now. Take your Jedi weapon. Use it. I am unarmed. Strike me down with it. With each passing moment you make yourself more my servant!”


Film:  A View to a Kill (1985)

Villain: Max Zorin

Why this Villain Deserved to Die: Max Zorin is a mad man. It is said that he is actually the result of experiments conducted by crazy Nazi scientist called Doctor Mortner.  Aside from that, he also likes to fix horse races by injecting horses with adrenaline, via these nifty adrenaline injecting devices. But never mind all that, what he really deserved to die for was attempting to blow up San Francisco’s Silicon Valley, the epicenter of computer chip construction during the 80’s, so that he could hold a monopoly over computer chip sales. In his attempt to escape, he ends up fighting with bond on top of the San Francisco Bridge where at one point he loses his footing (don’t they always) and ends up slipping away to his death down below. A gripping scene that always gives me vertigo every time I see it, I’d truly hate to be in that mans shoes!

Villainous quote:  “Intuitive improvisation is the secret to genius.”


Film:  Die Hard (1988)

Villain: Hans Gruber

Why this Villain Deserved to Die: He took an entire building hostage and was willing to kill everyone in it over a mere 640 million in bonds, wait a minute, that’s a whole lot of freaking money! So anyways, one thing leads to another until we arrive at a standoff between Gruber and officer McLane. So McLane being the crafty police officer he is uses a gun he’d taped to his back to shoot Gruber,  who first smashes through a glass window and then falls to his death many stories done. Cool part of this scene is we get to see Gruber’s face of utter terror as he falls and in slow motion no less!   

Villainous quote:  “When you steal 600 dollars, you can just disappear. When you steal 600 million, they will find you, unless they think you are already dead”


Film:  Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)

Villain: Mola Ram

Why this Villain Deserved to Die: In the world of Temple of Doom, there are these five magical stones called the ‘Shankara Stones’. Since both the good guys and the bad guys want these stones, I have inferred that they can be good for both good or evil, depending on who holds them. But Mola Ram –the cult leader of the evil Thugee cult- obviously wants them for evil and he only possesses three of these stones! In order to find the remaining two stones, Mola Ram kidnaps all the children from a nearby village so they can work on his mines as slaves, searching for the stones. But Mola Ram’s evil doesn’t stop there! He also sacrifices slaves to his god ‘Kali’! Before he burns the sacrificial slave in a vortex of molten lava in the name of Kali, he rips out the slaves heart while said slave is still alive! And he laughs maniacally as he holds the slaves still beating heart in his hand! Indy catches up with him and both of them fight on top of this ultra high bridge! In a desperate move, Indy cuts the bridge’s ropes with a sword, which sends all of Mola Rams warriors falling to their deaths! Indy and Mola Ram hold on to what’s left of the dangling bridge and continue their fight for the Shankara Stones! At one point, the stones fall out of Indy’s satchel and Mola Ram tries to catch them, but forgets to hold on for dear life! So Mola Ram’s lust for power ends up killing him. He ends up falling to his death and bumping his head a few times on the rocky mountain surface on his way down! To make sure he is gone for good, when his body hits the river, a group of alligators end up feasting on his body!   
  
Villainous quote:  “You don’t believe me Doctor Jones? You will Doctor Jones! You will become a true believer! ”


Film:  Masters of the Universe (1987)

Villain: Skeletor

Why this Villain Deserved to Die: By using the worm hole creating artifact known as‘The Cosmic Key’, Skeletor infiltrates Castle Greyskull with his army and subdues the peaceful Sorceress in order to take over Eternia. Truth is that aside from political aspirations, Skeletor’s ultimate goal by breaching Castle Greyskull is to become ‘Master of the Universe’, what this means is he’ll get god like powers and a kick ass golden costume. Skeletor not only traps Sorceress, he also gets a hold of He-Mans sword of power! On top of all of this, Skeletor actually manages to become Master of the Universe! At one point, while Skeletor is distracted babbling about his new powers, He-Man manages to reacquire his sword of power and the two end up battling in a spectacular fashion, He-Man with his sword of power and Skeletor with his Golden God Staff! At one point, He-Man destroys Skeletors staff (which for some reason means Skeletor stops being Master of the Universe and reverts back to his old self) and falls to his death down this endless pit that is right next to the throne room, of course! Though technically, Skeletor doesn’t die. He pops up out of the water in an after credits sequence and says “I’ll be back!” He never did, so maybe he did die after all! 

Villainous quote: “I ache to smash you out of existence; to drive your cursed face from my memories forever!”


Film:  Beauty and the Beast (1991)

Villain: Gaston

Why this Villain Deserved to Die: For being so freaking shallow and self centered. He wants to make Belle his wife, but the guy tells everybody before telling her. He plans the wedding before even telling Belle? Okay, you might chalk it up to being ultra confident, but on the other hand the guy isn’t taking Belle’s feelings in consideration. Does he even care if she loves him or finds him even remotely attractive? Nope. On top of this, he makes fun of Beast; he figures no woman would ever fall in love with a beast when they could easily fall in love with him. He’s the kind of guy who thinks that he is so good looking that the world revolves around him and in a Disney movie, that’s a big no, no. Just look at what happened with the evil sisters in Sleeping Beauty! There are some things you just can’t do in a Disney movie, and making fun of ugly/poor people is one of them. If you do, you’re liable to end up falling to your death like so many Disney villains. But Gaston is one of the ones that stood out for me, his death so dramatic amidst the lightning and the thunder and the whole thing goes down on top of Beasts gothic style castle. At one point, when Beast gets distracted and turns to look at Belle; Gaston takes the opportunity to stab him in the back! Now if we follow the laws of Disney, when a Villain does something that outright evil, it means seconds later he will more than likely die falling to his death. Case in point, Gaston, who loses his balance because of stabbing Beast. 
  
Villainous quote:  “Where you in love with her Beast? Did you honestly think she’d want you, when she had someone like me?”


Film:  Judge Dredd (1995)

Villain: Rico

Why this Villain Deserved to Die: He wants to take over Mega City 1 by killing off all of the Judges. In order to do this he resurrects a failed genetic experiment called ‘The Janus Project’, an experiment in which the government attempted to create the perfect judge by making clones with DNA from the best judges in the city. The experiment failed, but now Rico uses the cloning part of it to create an army of clones (with his own DNA) that will help him take over Mega City 1. Of course, Dredd captures him and they both duke it out on top of the statue of liberty, where Dredd uses a flare gun to throw Rico over the ledge. 

Villainous quote: “You want fear? I’m the fear! You want chaos? I’m the chaos! You want a new beginning? I am the new beginning! ” 


Film:  The Crow (1994)

Villain: Top Dollar

Why this Villain Deserved to Die: He burns buildings on Halloween night just for the hell of it; in fact, he calls it ‘Devils Night’, his “new favorite holiday”. Basically, Top Dollar loves chaos, destruction and total anarchy which is why he sends all of his goons to burn down as many buildings as they can. But one night in particular, Top Dollar’s goons break into Eric Draven’s apartment, they proceed to rape his girl and throw him down the window of his loft! Draven dies and so does his girlfriend (after many torturous hours in the hospital) so of course, Draven comes back for revenge. Eric Draven is essentially a glorified zombie, a zombie out for cold hard revenge! After killing off all of Top Dollars goons, Draven ends up fighting against Top Dollar on the roof of a gothic church in the middle of a rain storm, another milestone in movies that end this way. The gothic church, the thunder, the lightning, the rain. Anyhow, Top Dollar ends up falling to his death, impaled on one of the ornamental Gargoyles of the church.

Villainous quote:  “Greed is for amateurs. Disorder, chaos, anarchy: now that’s fun!”



That’s it for now boys and girls, keep an eye out for my next installment of ‘Biggest Clichés in Movie History’! 


Monday, July 13, 2015

Maggie (2015)


Maggie (2015)

Director: Henry Hobson

Cast: Arnold Schwarznegger, Abigail Breslin

Here’s a zombie movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger which immediately makes you think you’re going to  see Arnold kicking all sorts of zombie ass and what have you, but be advised, that is not the type of movie you will get. Maggie is a more somber affair. I wasn’t expecting  a big zombie action extravaganza because I’d read some reviews and seen the trailers, so I was expecting exactly what I got, an artsy-fartsy take on the zombie genre, which is fine with me because I’m a zombie nut and I appreciate new and different takes on the zombie genre. The thing is that movie goers in search of serious, dramatic performances don’t exactly flock to see zombie movies, and those who love zombie movies, don’t want to see over dramatic anything, they want their gore, they want their zombie mayhem. So, did this film reach a happy medium? Or will zombie lovers end up being disappointed?


The story for Maggie is quite simple. A virus is spreading across the land and its turning people into zombies. The government has issued a quarantine; anyone who’s infected is to be taken away to these concentration camps, where they will be treated for their infection. One of these infected is Maggie, daughter to Wade Vogel, also known as Arnold Schwarzenegger. So Arnies daughter is infected and now he’s got to protect her from the government who wants to take her away to their concentration camps. What to do? Wait until she turns then kill her? Hand her over to the government? Let her live her life as a zombie?


There’s one thing I enjoyed about Maggie and it was that feeling of dread. You get the feeling that society is crumbling, falling apart. Everything is slightly dilapidated, but not full blown post apocalyptic. It’s all very grey, very dreary looking as if it’s always about to rain. I appreciate films that can sustain this tone all throughout and Maggie does that very well. The film is absolutely depressing all the way through, you can expect something along the lines of The Road (2009), where there’s not a happy moment in sight. In Maggie characters don’t smile, they don’t kid around, everybody looks and talks as if they‘re just about to slit their wrists out of depression.  So when you see this just remember that it’s a heavy shot of seriousness all the way through. Unfortunately, it also reminded of Stake Land (2010), a boring film within its genre.


While I can’t bring myself to call Maggie a bad film; I do have to say that it was rather uneventful. Not much happens that we haven’t seen in other zombie films and this is primarily where Maggie fails. It goes step by step through every zombie cliché in the book, only in a really slow, boring way. So you know how this movie goes: somebody you know gets infected; it isn’t easy to accept that your loved one is turning. What will you do when they transform? Will you shoot your loved one in the head? Will you have the strengths to shoot their brains out? And that about as far as the themes for Maggie go. So in this sense it’s a very predictable film and therefore boring because it stretches this simple plot all the way through to the end, no complications, no twists…you’re basically waiting to see what’s going to happen when Maggie finally turns full blown zombie. So while the film might look beautiful, because it does, it’s very well shot, it disappoints because it doesn’t deliver. It doesn’t try  to cover new ground. It’s simply going over themes and situations we’ve seen played out many times before in a million other zombie movies and not in a very interesting way.


Arnold and Abigail do turn in good performances, but don’t be expecting Arnold to cry you a river. This is basically Arnold being Arnold, he’s just saying every line very seriously that’s all. I thought maybe the director might try and make Arnold display a bit more emotion, but the film wasted the opportunity to make Arnold stretch his acting skills. I think the reason why this movie is so banal is that it’s director  doesn’t have much experience in filmmaking, I mean, were talking about a director whose only other directorial efforts include the trailers and opening sequences for various video games. Oh and he’s also directed the Oscars a few times? If you’re a true blue filmmaker, then you should be able to pull off a good movie no matter what, blamo, you’re dying to make a movie and here’s your chance bro! So you go and make this boring zombie movie? The biggest problem here is these filmmakers have chosen the wrong genre in which to make their break out film. 


If Mr. Henry Hobson wanted to make an artsy fartsy movie, he shouldn’t have chosen the zombie genre cause who the hell wants’ to be bored to death when watching a zombie movie? Nobody that’s who. You have to know your genre, you have to know your target audience. At the very least, as a filmmaker, Mr. Hobson and crew should have attempted a way in which to balance out the dramatic elements with the horror elements, because as it is, both sides are disappointed here. Zombie fans will be disappointed because for one, you don’t see a hell of a lot of zombies. And the ones you see aren’t rotting decomposing corpses, they are the kind that have little black veins painted on their pale skins…you know, not really rotting corpses. Also, to my great disdain, the gore is kept off camera and to a minimum, which sucks for a zombie movie. So what we got here ladies and gentlemen is a zombie movie with an emphasis on the drama, but even in that department it disappoints because it doesn’t offer up enough complexities or depth, it’s too simple a movie. Maggie  needed a little more of what zombies are always asking for “brains”.


Rating: 3 out of 5 



Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Heavy Metal 2000 (2000)



Heavy Metal 2000 (2000)

Directors: Michael Coldeway & Michel Lemire

Voice Actors: Julie Strain, Michael Ironside, Billy Idol

It took eight people to write Heavy Metal 2000, the film I will be reviewing today, and you know how that goes, the more writers a film has, the worse the movie is going to be! And this movie had eight writers! Was the resulting script a disaster? Or did these eight writers achieve their goals of making a movie that paid tribute to one of the greatest sci-fi/horror magazines on the planet? So anyhow, this is Heavy Metal 2000 (2000), the sequel to the animated cult classic anthology film Heavy Metal (1981). Now if you know anything about the original film, then you probably know that it’s composed of various stories, all done by different animation houses. This amalgamation of talent yielded an melting pot of short films with some of the worst and some of the best animation you will ever see, so it’s interesting in that sense. Nothing stays the same for very long, just when you think you’ve had enough of a particular short, soon another artistic style and voice takes over. The soundtrack on Heavy Metal is a memorable one, including many awesome rock and roll bands from the 70’s and 80’s. Today I review the sequel, Heavy Metal 2000. The thing to remember while watching this sequel is that it’s vastly different than the first film.


In contrast to the first Heavy Metal (1981), this sequel isn’t an anthology film; Heavy Metal 2000 sticks to only one story, this immediately shatters our expectations of it. Fans of the first film expected this sequel to maintain the anthology format, so they were disappointed to discover that with this sequel, they were going to get just one feature length story. I enjoy the amalgamation of different artistic talents that an anthology brings, but I also appreciate the fact that this sequel was going for something different. In its defense I will say that even though Heavy Metal 2000 isn’t an anthology, it still manages to retain that feel of what Heavy Metal Magazine is all about. If you didn’t already know, both of these movies are inspired by Heavy Metal Magazine, a magazine totally devoted to science fiction, horror and fantasy comics. It is a magazine filled with stories that are exactly like the story we see in Heavy Metal 2000. As a fan of this magazine, I can tell you I’ve read my fare share of issues, most of the stories include half naked heroines fighting muscular evil dudes, sorcerers, magicians, aliens, you name it. Many of the stories include nudity, violence and gore in one form or another. This is why I say that Heavy Metal 2000 captures the feel of the magazine; it has all the elements you’d expect to find on any given issue. Yet even though Heavy Metal 2000 is inspired by Heavy Metal magazine and gets everything right in terms of the spirit of the magazine, Heavy Metal 2000 is actually based on a graphic novel called ‘Melting Pot’, which was written by Kevin Eastman, Simon Bisley and Eric Talbot. Kevin Eastman created the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (along with co-creator Peter Laird) and is the current publisher and editor (and has been for years) of Heavy Metal Magazine, so he truly knows what Heavy Metal is all about. This explains why he is one of the writers of the film. 

Above: Issue #4 of 'Melting Pot', the comic series on which Heavy Metal 2000 is based on 
Below: Lady Death, an example of the Bad Girl comic craze of the 90's 

So let’s keep things in perspective, Heavy Metal 2000 isn’t Shakespeare and it never intends to be. Heavy Metal Magazine has always been about the type of stories that sci-fi/horror fans love to read. Stories filled with the fantastic, the horrifying, the shocking. This magazine has always been a love letter to low brow entertainment, it’s the kind of literature that some will no doubt consider immature, and they’d be right, these stories are often times juvenile in nature, but that’s the nature of the beast. And so, Heavy Metal 2000 basks in its b-movie roots, unashamedly so. Trust me when I say that one liners will be spoken, in fact, you’ll feel that it is the only language these characters speak. In this film you will see females being treated like sex objects and the females loving it. For example, Julie Strain does the voice of the main character in the film, a bad ass lady who goes by the name of ‘Jules’. She’s you’re a-typical bad ass babe. During the 90’s Bad Girls were the rave of the comic book world; suddenly every comic book was about Bad Girls with big boobs and even bigger guns! During those days we had comics like Vampirella, Lady Death and Danger Girl. And though Heavy Metal 2000 was released at the beginning of the new millennium, it still retains that 90’s Bad Girl vibe to it. You’ll notice the emphasis on showing Jules breasts bouncing all the way through the movie, sometimes the camera will focus entirely on her ass, or take its time showing her taking a shower, it’s all very gratuitous, designed to titillate teenage boys. You should see the extras on the Heavy Metal 2000 dvd, where Mrs. Strain talks all about how much she loves being the sexy sci-fi chick and showing some skin. She’s the ultimate tease for young boys (and men in general) kind of like a sci-fi version of Elvira. She knows you like her jugs, and she’s got no problem showing them to you, in fact, she loves the adulation she gets from it. Julie Strain obviously infused the character of Jules with her own persona, so much so that they even share the same name. 

Above, Julie Strain dressed up as Jules, below her animated counterpart

On this film, Jules is out for revenge. You see, this power hungry madman who goes by the name of Tyler is on his way to a distant planet that holds the gates to immortality. Tyler has the key, and he aims to use it in order to acquire immortality. Problem is that whoever holds the key goes insane from lust of power, and so throughout the movie Tyler destroys, rapes and kills anything on his path. Too bad for him that on one of his joy rides he ends up killing Jules family and her people. To make matters worse, Tyler kidnaps Jules sister because he thinks she’s hot. Now Jules is on a race to try and stop Tyler from acquiring immortality, while avenging her people and rescuing her sister!


I’ve always had a couple of problems with this movie. Number one, the animation is not the best. Maybe it’s because its old school, but I’ve seen old school animation films with excellent traditional hand drawn animation, so maybe it’s just the animation on this show isn’t really that good. Then again, it’s American animation, which has never distinguished itself for being excellent. And they do that thing where they mix computer generated images with traditional hand drawn animation and it sucks big time because back in those days computer animation was just getting started, so whatever computer animation the squeezed into any given scene looks amateurish by today’s standards. Then again, maybe I’ve been spoiled rotten by anime films. That being said, once I got accustomed to the films look and the choppy animation, I found myself having fun with it. Same story with Ralph Bakshi films, you just gotta get accustomed to the fact that the animation is a little rough around the edges.


Heavy Metal 2000 has its moments, like when Jules and Tyler meet up on this pleasure planet of sorts, filled with strippers with six breasts and aliens from all sorts of planets, it reminded me a bit of the cantina scene from Star Wars, if the cantina scene from Star Wars had been rated ‘R’. And by the way, speaking of this films rating, they don’t even make live action ‘R’ rated films like this one today! I mean, this is a hard ‘R’ rated film! There’s tons of gratuitous nudity, profanity is common place, and the gore, well, even for a cartoon it’s over the top at times. In that sense, this film is extremely rare, it’s an animated ‘R’ rated film! You don’t see one of those every day. Last time I saw one of those was Richard Linklater’s  A Scanner Darkly (2006), another one that comes to mind is South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut (1999). Every once in a while, an adventurous filmmaker will make one from time to time, but the truth is that the R rated animated film is rare because (with rare exceptions) they are not marketable. For a time there, animated films for adults where trying to find its corner in the market with films like Fritz the Cat (1972), Fire and Ice (1983) and American Pop (1981), but I guess it proved too difficult to get the common American adult to think of animation as anything more than the stuff of Saturday Morning Cartoons or children’s films. So Heavy Metal 2000 is a rare bird, on this one axes slice people in half, brains are blown to smithereens and sex robots can be bought at the corner of the street.


The soundtrack of the first film is one of the most memorable things about it; it included old school rock and roll bands like Blue Oyster Cult, Stevie Nicks, Journey, Cheap Trick, Black Sabbath, Devo and even Sammy Hagar. So of course, the soundtrack for Heavy Metal 2000 had to amass an interesting amount of bands as well. On this sequel we get the likes of Pantera, Monster Magnet, Coal Chamber, Bauhaus, Insane Clown Pose, Queens of the Stone Age, System of a Down and Puya. The problem for me with this soundtrack is that sometimes, the visuals don’t match with the music. Sometimes there’s a real hardcore song going on and it just doesn’t go with the visuals. The same thing happened when Dario Argento started using heavy metal in his horror movies, the heavy metal just didn’t mix with the visuals, thank god he stopped doing it after a while.  This is something very important on any film, the visuals have to go in accordance and sometimes even to the rhythm of the music. Not so here where songs are apparently randomly inserted into a scene without rhyme or reason. It feels like the songs where only inserted into the film in order to sell a soundtrack and not because the song is perfect for the scene. This truly sucks in my book.


The other problem I had with it is the weak direction and the editing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen any movie that uses fade to black so often! This is one of the signs of amateurish filmmaking, fade to black is what you resort to when you’ve got nowhere else to go because you forgot to film a transition or establishing shot. There’s no way to flow from one scene to the next so you fade to black. Well, they do this all the time in Heavy Metal 2000 and it just reeks of bad filmmaking. So there’s unevenness in the editing and the music. Strange thing is that even with all these imperfections, I still managed to have fun with Heavy Metal 2000. Its dialog, sense of humor and mentality is so comic bookish that I ended up surrendering to it and having a blast. It’s a film made for adults who want to feel 12 years old again. It’s the kind of film in which when the masses are calling his name, the villain says “Blind adulation makes me so horny! Get me a wench!” At first I hated Heavy Metal 2000 with a passion, but it’s grown on me over the years. It’s rude, raw, loud, imperfect and sexist, but that’s exactly the way it should be, or else it wouldn’t be Heavy Metal. The original Heavy Metal film is superior in the sense that if offers a larger variety of stories and styles, the animation is a million times superior and because the soundtrack is infinitely more melodic and plain cool, but this sequel is definitely worth a watch, if you can get over the imperfections.


Rating: 3 out of 5



Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Jupiter Ascending (2015)


Jupiter Ascending (2015)

Directors: Lana and Andy Wachowski

Cast: Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Sean Bean, Eddie Redmayne

It’s an interesting thing keeping the pulse of the film industry, you see directors rise to become almost rock stars and then you see them fall, to never be heard from again. They make that one good movie that takes over the world and then a god awful second and third film. For some reason, they can’t recapture whatever it is that audiences loved about their first film; the muse fades away and vanishes completely. I can now say that I have witnessed the downfall of the Wachowski’s, the duo of film directors who became box office sensations when they released the Matrix Trilogy onto the world. Their downward spiral started with Speed Racer (2008), a visually interesting film that tanked at the boxed office, because audiences considered it too cartoony and silly. They continued with Cloud Atlas (2012) a star studded sci-fi film that failed to connect with audiences, probably because it was too complex or convoluted. I’ve yet to watch it in its entirety. That one tanked as well, yet another film by the Wachowski’s that didn’t make its money back. And now, they’ve probably put the last nail on their coffin with Jupiter Ascending (2015), a gigantic mess of a film that didn’t make its money back either. I ask myself, how do these guys keep working when their films keep losing money? I’m thinking Hollywood’s patience with the Wachowski’s is running out, they ‘re probably thinking “third one you’re out dudes”. I don’t think we’ll be seeing a film from these guys in quite some time. Hollywood producers can be very unforgiving when it comes to losing their millions. 


I didn’t want to believe Jupiter Ascending was a huge mess of a film because usually, I’m the guy defending those films that everybody hates for seemingly no reason, like for example Waterworld (1995). Sadly, on this occasion I could clearly see why people didn’t connect with Jupiter Ascending.  It was clear as daylight. First off, it had a female protagonist and that usually spells certain doom for science fiction films. I would love to see more female laden science fiction films, sadly, the track record shows that female laden science fiction films equals death at the box office. It could be one of two things. My theory is not that these films fail because they have women as protagonists; they fail because when they decide to cast a female in a sci-fi film and market it as such, it’s usually a shitty film like Barb Wire (1996), Aeon Flux (2005), Catwoman (2004) or Elektra (2005). I cheer every time they put a female lead in a great science fiction film, say something like Charlize Theron in Mad Max:Fury Road (2015) or Noomi Rapace in Prometheus (2012). But both of these films are rare exceptions and both films were not marketed as having females as leads. Are sci-fi fans mostly chauvinist pigs that won’t go see a movie if they know a woman is the lead? Or are female leads cast in shitty films? Whatever the case may be, Jupiter Ascending was one of the times when they cast a female lead in crappy film. What matters to me with movies is not what gender is leading the film, but if the film is a good one, if it entertains, if it says something. Sadly, Jupiter Ascending failed on all these accounts.  


Where did Jupiter Ascending go wrong? Why was it a huge fail? One of the reasons is that this was The Wachowski’s trying to do their own version of Frank Herbert’s Dune, unfortunately, it feels like the Wachowski’s bit off more than they could chew, because Dune is not a gee-whiz, magical, feel good, happy ending type of novel. It’s deep, complex, political, religious and all encompassing; Frank Herbert’s sci-fi classic is the anti-Star Wars and by that I mean, not exactly commercial. It’s dense, it’s epic, yet it has heart, it’s passionate. What the Wachowski’s did was make a soulless commercial version of Dune. They’ve stolen so many elements from Frank Herbert’s Dune novels that it’s not even funny. The element of royal families feuding over planets, the idea that aristocrats use a drug that makes them more powerful, the idea of young people with wisdom beyond their years, these are all elements taken from the Dune novels, yet Herbert’s novels deliver all these ideas with gravitas, dignity and solemnity. Jupiter Ascending brings it down to b-movie territory, accompanied by cheesy dialog and terrible performances. While Dune keeps a solemn tone, Jupiter Ascending turns into an overdose of messy computer generated effects involving flying boots and incomprehensible laser battles. I guess the Wachowski’s thought they could pull off a story like Dune, but with an emphasis on action and a dose of ‘cool’ which doesn’t sound so bad. If only Jupiter Ascending didn’t have so many negative elements going for it, I might have enjoyed it.  

"Flash Gordon approaching" 

When I say the film is messy, I’m speaking of the special effects heavy action sequences, which have cool concepts and ideas (like the flying boots) but things move so fast on the screen that all we see is this huge blurry  mess, we can’t really appreciate what the hell is happening on screen. Sometimes the action happens from so far away, we can’t even appreciate who or what we are seeing. This is something that happened to me once before in a film called The MutantChronicles (2008), a film I totally despised. Well, Jupiter Ascending suffers from this same malady; the camera distances itself from the action so much that we can’t see what the hell is happening; mix that with lightning fast action and the end result is you won’t understand a thing happening on screen. The visuals are too fast and too cramped, at times I felt like I was watching a Jackson Pollock painting, look at all those pretty colors, but what the hell is happening? The effects work goes from good to terrible, for example, I loved the look of the spaceships, but I hated these terribly animated lizard men that kept reminding me of the Koopas from Super Mario Brothers: The Movie (1993). These lizard creatures where so obviously computer generated, there was no effort put into making these creatures look remotely realistic or alive. Also, for some reason the film looks very dark, it made it even harder to see anything. 


Jupiter Ascending is infested with ancient clichés that any knowledgeable filmmaker would try and avoid. For example, they decided to dedicate a whole portion of the film to the age old cliché of having the good guy stop the naïve girl from marrying the wrong guy, ugh. That was cool when I saw it in Flash Gordon (1980), with Flash trying to stop Emperor Ming from marrying Gale. But here it feels old hat because it’s been done to death in a million movies before, most recently in John Carter (2012). By the way, this whole thing with the wedding, it plays out exactly like Flash Gordon (1980), so much so that the whole scene felt like a copy paste. I could probably do a whole list of films that end with a wedding having to be stopped by the good guy, so whenever I see this particular cliché I just have to roll my eyes. Yet, here are the Wachowski’s, filmmakers who were once considered groundbreaking, doing a film that’s filled with every single cliché in the book. They even included the one where the bad guy falls to his death! Come on! Don’t believe this film is ridden with cliches? Okay, then count the times in which Channing Tatum rescues Mila Kunis at the last moment from certain doom.


Then we have the main character, Jupiter Jones played by Mila Kunis, in my opinion, a terrible miscast. She doesn’t come off as strong, or a possible leader, nothing like say Paul Muadib in Dune. My advice to The Wachowski’s is, if you’re going to have a female lead a film, at least make her a strong female. Isn’t she supposed to become the leader of a nation? Shouldn’t she at least have demonstrated some leadership skills or at the very least be a go getter? Instead, she comes off like some helpless damsel in distress, and that my friends is just so passé. Audiences want to see strong women who use their brains and smarts to escape their perils. Sadly, Mila Kunis’s character comes off as an airhead who hates her life, she hates honest work. She wants to stay home sleeping. And this is the person to whom incredible responsibilities will be bestowed upon? I guess they were going for a Cinderella type of deal, but with Cinderella, you felt like she deserved better, Mila Kunis’s character doesn’t come off that way. The filmmakers just didn’t demonstrate her changing or evolving, she doesn’t seem to learn to become responsible, her character doesn't go through a journey of growth, or what they call a "character arc". Things just happen. Boom, now she’s royalty, boom know she owns a planet. These magnanimous events don't seem to affect her much, she just takes for granted that she is now responsible for a whole planet. Bottom line, Mila Kunis was horribly miscast here, she falls in my opinion on the list of beautiful actresses who can’t act. She's taken her place right next to Megan Fox. The screenplay with its cheesy dialog, didn’t help much either. It’s been a while since I’ve seen a movie squander its cast in such badly written roles; did the directors not give a crap about solid performances? Was the script beyond repair? Whatever the case, the cast was wasted on this film. Not even recent Oscar winner Eddie Redmayne (The Theory of Everything) can escape from this scripts awfulness.


So that’s it my friends, this was in my opinion one of the worst of the year. It’s an overdose of unintelligible CGI. Some reviewers refer to this one as a visual feast, but I don’t, I like to be able to appreciate and look at my visual feasts. Bottom line is this was a real disappointment coming from once groundbreaking filmmakers; there was no intent here to be innovative or interesting. Is there anything good I can say about this movie? Well, I liked those flying boots that’s for sure, but a movie cannot ride on cool flying boots alone. Oh and they cast legendary director Terry Gilliam in a cameo in which he plays a bureaucrat, which was awesome because as most film buffs know, Terry Gilliam’s films are always against bureaucracy! And like I said, the design work on the spaceships and buildings was interesting, but that’s about as good a compliment as I can give this movie. Did I mention this huge mess of a movie is over two hours long? I don’t mind long movies, just as long as they are good. To me Jupiter Ascending was lazy filmmaking, mired by bad writing and lack of originality. Sure it’s trying to be as epic as Dune, but it falls short because it feels like a stupefied version of Dune, which isn’t a good thing.

Rating: 2 out of 5 

Cool boots, bad movie. 

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Terminator: Genisys (2015)


Terminator: Genisys (2015)

Director: Alan Taylor

Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jason Clarke, Emilia Clarke, Jai Courtney, J.K. Simmons

Terminator: Genisys is one of those movies that nobody really felt safe about because, if it’s a Terminator film and Terminator creator James Cameron isn’t involved, then what’s the point right? Terminator (1984) and Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1995) are as mind blowing as they are because of Cameron’s involvement and because of the creative team that he amassed to make them. A work of art is the way it is because of the artist behind it. In the world of film making certain directors stand out as having their own unique style. There’s only one Sam Raimi, there’s only one David Lynch, and there’s only one James Cameron. You try and follow in the footsteps of a distinctive filmmaker that everybody loves and you’ve got trouble coming at you on a massive scale. In this sense, Alan Taylor, the director behind Thor: The Dark World (2013) had a gargantuan task in front of him. Why give a huge film like this one to a director whose only made one film prior to this one? It was probably a monetary decision; inexperienced directors are probably cheaper than paying an a-lister. Still, a Terminator film is better than no Terminator film so of course I decided to give Terminator: Genisys a chance. The previews didn’t look to promising, but I’d read some good reviews saying it was at the very least, entertaining. So is this new Terminator movie worth a damn?


The thing about Terminator sequels from Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003) onward is that they’ve all been made by different production companies, so each sequel has a different tone and voice to it. Most of them have tried to imitate James Cameron’s first two films. Did they try and fail? No. They tried and died. The rights to the Terminator films have been bouncing around from Production Company to Production Company like a hyper active jumping bean. Sadly, this has created unevenness in the whole franchise, actors keep changing, concepts get twisted…by now we’ve had four different actors play John Connor! And that’s without including the television show! The only consistency in these films has come from Arnold Schwarzenegger who keeps coming back to play the T-800 because he is very fond of this particular franchise almost as much as he’s fond of the Conan franchise. No matter how shitty the idea, he’s going to be there because Terminator and Conan made Arnold who he is, those where the films that truly put him on the map. So here he is, back again in another Terminator sequel without James Cameron behind the camera. My question is, if it wasn’t for Arnold, would we even care about these sequels? I’m thinking Arnold is the only thing keeping us old school Terminator fans going back to these films. Thankfully, we do get a good dose of Arnold throughout the whole film; he’s on it for most of the running time which is great. The younger cgi version of Arnold was well achieved in my book, not as fake as I thought it would look.

    
The thing about these sequels (at least from my point of view) is that they are not complete crap. In my book, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003) was a decent sequel; it had tons of action and took the story to interesting places. I didn’t like Nich Stahl as John Connor, but whatever, the movie was well made. After Rise of the Machines, the rights went to some other production company and so those characters were never heard of again. And then we got Terminator: Salvation (2009), which introduced us to a whole other set of actors, characters and premises. Salvation had its moments, but it kind of fell apart in its third act, the way these filmmakers envisioned Skynet was such a letdown! And now with Terminator: Genisys we’re presented yet again with a new premise set of actors and so forth, there’s just no consistency with this series of films! Each one is a different take on the Terminator universe and not a true blue sequel with any sort of continuity. The big problem is there’s no creative force uniting these films, like say George Lucas behind the Star Wars films. Fine, so the sequels are all a disparate bunch, what was this fifth installment like? 


Basically the idea behind this sequel is forget everything that happened in the previous films because what happens on this film is an alternate timeline, so everything has changed. If you thought this was going to be a remake, then you will soon discover you were completely wrong, this is a straight reboot of the franchise. For a moment we do visit 1984 and we get to see familiar events transpire, we soon discover this isn’t the same 1984 we saw in Cameron’s The Terminator (1984). This is where I step in and warn you that the whole time travel element can get a bit confusing, so you’re better off just ignoring the whole time travel mumbo jumbo and just enjoy the movie, it’s what I did and it worked out just fine. Time travel movies by nature can get your brain circuits all crossed, especially when Arnold starts talking about quantum fields and nexuses and time points…my advice is let it all glaze over. That being said, I was having a blast with the first half of Genisys. The film functions as a prequel, showing us the events that lead to Kyle Reese being sent to 1984. This part of the film I really loved! These are events that have always been alluded to in previous films but were never shown, so it was great to finally get to see how it all went down.


In terms of action and special effects, nothing will ever surpass Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1995). What James Cameron offers us with his movies is jaw dropping action scenes that are meticulously planned; showstoppers that take over the film. This is something that a lot of the directors that have taken over the franchise don’t understand; the action in these films has to be special because it’s what we’ve become accustomed to. Action scenes can’t be five second cgi cheats, they can’t be run of the mill chase sequences, they have to be special somehow, they have to blow us away and they have to be spectacles. I mean, how bad ass was it when they blew up that real building in T2? Sadly, no single Terminator sequel has ever come close to achieving this level of awesomeness, Genisys included. While Genisys does have explosive action sequences, there’s nothing that offers that extra wow factor because we know a lot of it wasn’t done live. Most of the stunts and action scenes in Genisys are computer generated, including this nifty helicopter chase sequence that was cool, yet completely unrealistic, and realism my friends is what sells an action scene. One other action sequence involving a school bus in the San Francisco Bridge was cool, but sadly falls on cliché. How many times have we seen a car or a truck flip over? How many times have we seen said vehicle dangling from the edge of a bridge? Actually, that scene with the bus dangling from the bridge was the only true letdown in the whole film for me, I was rolling my eyes. So the film does have its action, it’s just nothing that we haven’t seen before.  


The film does have a decent cast holding it together and that’s a bonus for this one. The ones that stood out for me were Emilia Clarke as Sarah Connor and Jason Clarke as John Connor, they offered good, solid performances. J.K. Simmons does his usual crazy guy thing here, again, but of course it’s J.K. Simmon’s so it’s entertaining. And of course, it was a pleasure seeing Arnold back (just like he always said he would) playing The Terminator. Its funny how they’ve gone and switched things around making the monster from the first film into a father figure throughout the rest of the sequels. This is one of the things that I miss the most from the original film, that feeling like you’re in a horror movie, and The Terminator is the monster. That first film has a feeling of dread that none of the sequels has been able to match. By comparison, this new one feels like a family film. No guts, no nudity, no profanity, no blood. The first film was for adults, a hard ‘R’, this one is aimed at everyone. Everything here is squeaky safe, a la Disney films. There’s no edge like in the first film, when the Terminator rips his hand open to fix it, or when he gauges out his eye. There’s no steamy sex scene...once again, the dreaded terror of the PG-13 rating has struck with a vengeance. It’s the same cleansing process that films like Total Recall, Robocop and Poltergeist went through with their remakes. I’m dying to see films with an edge again. I remember going to the theater at one time was kind of scary because you never knew when a film was going to go “over the line” and shock you. Nowadays it’s all a lot of gee whiz effects, but none of the edge. It’s all perfectly safe entertainment. Terminator: Genisys falls in that ballpark.


Bottom line with Terminator: Genisys is it didn’t surpass my expectations, but it didn’t piss me off either.  James Cameron endorsed this film by saying that “if you like the Terminator films, you’ll love this movie”, and I have to say that I agree somewhat with this statement. Genisys does give us a lot of visual homage’s to the first two films and then twists them around just when you think you know what’s going to happen, I really liked that. It has many inside jokes that Terminator fans will no doubt enjoy. Also as a fan of the first two Terminator films, I was twisting and turning in my seat with some of the events that transpire which is a good thing. At least the film was getting a reaction from me. But essentially, what we have here is a squeaky clean reboot of a franchise that has had trouble trying to return to the grandeur that once was. They’ve gone and rebooted Terminator for a generation that has been born and bred in PG-13 cinema. Once again, a franchise has been neutered. Still, I reiterate that it’s not a total disaster, but then again, I don’t want a Terminator film that’s just ‘okay’ I want one that will freaking blow me away! Let’s see if this film makes enough money to jumpstart a new cycle of Terminator films. They better spit out as many as they can before 2018, when the rights to the Terminator films go back to James Cameron! That will be the day! Maybe then we’ll see a decent Terminator film, cause god knows only Cameron knows how to make a Terminator film right.

Rating: 3 out of 5   

   

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