Worst Movies Ever Made Part II

Here’s a couple of bad movies for you, hope you have a fun time watching some of these, mind you I said some of these, others, as I stated on part I of this article are not to be watched, EVER! Still, there’s some fun to be had here for sure, enjoy!  

Title: Fantastic Four (1994)

Why it’s so Bad: Same as that crappy Albert Pyun Captain America (1990) film, this Fantastic Four film produced by none other than B-movie producer extraordinaire Roger Corman was one of Marvel Comics many failed attempts at breaking into the movie business. For some reason, before Blade (1998) and X-Men (2002) came along, Marvel had a hard time trying to get a good film made! But they tried, you gotta give them that! So this here film is terrible because it was obviously a film that required a bigger budget in order to get made. Let’s face it; most of these comic book characters would require a big budget to bring them to cinematic life! And that’s the problem with this here film, its budget was too limited and its special effects requirements were too big! But that didn’t stop these filmmakers from making this film anyways! Supposedly, according to Stan Lee himself, this film was not meant to be released; it was made simply so that the company who was holding the rights wouldn’t loose them. The cast and crew worked on a film that was not intended for release? Damn that sucks! So anyways, this one has to be seen to be believed as well. If you can get a hold of a bootleg copy of this do so, it’s a hilarious film to watch! You’ll never see a cheaper comic book movie EVER! Situations don’t make the least bit of sense! I think the only thing they did get right was Dr. Doom, who looks a heck of a lot like the Dr. Doom from the comics. To be honest, this film is terrible, but it had it’s heart in the right place, and you could tell the actors were giving it their all, and they did kind of capture that feeling of family and light heartedness that the Fantastic Four comics always had so I’ll give it that. Hell, they even included Sue and Reed’s wedding! It looks cheap as hell, but it’s a moment. At the very least, it’s worth a watch.   

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: The suits look like they were sewed on by an aging grandma with Alzheimer’s.

Bad Movie Dialog: “Holy Freud Batman! I think you’re right!”

Title: The Wicker Man (2006)

Why it’s so Bad: Worst film of 2006 for me, and I’m sure that I am not alone on this one either. The worst part about this film is that it is a remake of a truly great horror film, Robin Hardy’s The Wicker Man (1973), considered by many to be “the Citizen Kane of horror films”. Hardy’s film was so freaky because it was hard to define; was it a musical? A horror film? A police story? An examination of religion? At the end of the day, it was all those things and more. The film effectively established this incredibly creepy town with its creepy, ominous town folk who were obviously hiding something: their extremely dangerous religious cult! So here comes the update, and I think their first mistake was getting the often times goofy Nicolas Cage to star. Immediately Cage’s participation takes away any seriousness from the proceedings. What unfolds is a parody of the first film with Nicolas Cage investigating things by screaming at everybody.  They turned a creepy film about a crazy cult into a joke about crazy cop! Sadly, the climactic scene that shocked audiences beyond belief in the first film was reduced to a mere seconds of footage on this one…what a waste!   

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: When the cult is going to torture Cage with bees and he starts screaming “Not the bees! Not the bees! Aaaah!”  

Bad Movie Dialog: “Killing me won’t bring back your goddamn honey!”

Title: H. P. Lovecraft’s Chthulhu Mansion (1992)

Why it’s so Bad: The first thing you gotta know is that even though this film marketed itself on its cover as being a film inspired by H.P. Lovecraft, it actually has NOTHING at all to do with Lovecraft. I guess they thought they would sell more video tapes if they called it ‘H.P. Lovecraft’s Chuthulhu Mansion’, which they did. You don’t see ‘Chthulhu’ anywhere on this movie! The mansion’s name is Chthulhu and they do use a book that has the words ‘Chthulhu’ written on its cover, but that’s about it. They might as well have called it ‘The Mansion’. But whatever, sleazy marketing aside, this is another “must watch because it’s so bad” film. It comes to us from J.P Simon (a.k.a. Juan Piquer Simon) a director who has never really made what I would call a ‘good’ film, still, he sure has made some entertaining ones. Ever seen that ultra gory 80’s slasher Pieces (1982)? Or perhaps the killer slugs movie Slugs (1988)? Well this is the same director who made those slightly more enjoyable flicks. With Chthulhu Mansion J.P. Simon displays an alarming amount of amateurishness, even though he’d made better films before this one? It’s as if his films kept getting worse and worse with time. So anyhow, this film is about a group of thugs who decide to hide out in this spooky old mansion,     Unbeknownst to the thugs, this house belongs to an aging magician called Chandu (!) whom they don’t take too seriously despite his warnings about the mansion being possessed by evil spirits. Of course, the mansion ends up showing the thugs a lesson or two. This film is not unlike Lucio Fulci’s House of Clocks (1989) which by the way has the same exact plotline. It’s one of those films that’s filled with one horror cliché after another! Black cats, full moons, magical books, ghosts, haunted mansions…This is a good one to watch with your friends during a night of drunken debauchery on Halloween Night.     

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment:  When an invisible evil spirit takes a bag of cocaine away from the thugs and burns it in the fireplace. The scene is supposed to show us a bag of cocaine magically whisking itself away, making its way towards the fireplace, unfortunately, we can see the strings pulling it! Also, there is a character  called ‘Hawk’, how generic can you get?

Title: Spider Man 3 (2007)

Why it’s so Bad: It had the same problem that Joel Schumacher’s Batman and Robin (1997) had: too many villains! On this one we have to not only deal with Spider-Mans love triangle with Mary Jane and Gwen Stacy, we also have to deal with the drama surrounding The Sandman, The Green Goblin and Venom! Saddest part is that everyone was hoping to see this cool rendition of Venom because let’s face it, he is one of the coolest villains in the whole Spider-Man universe, but no, instead we get Topher Grace to play him! That was the worst casting choice I have seen in a long while. Eddie Brock (a.k.a. Venom) is supposed to be this hulking body builder, not a whimpy, skinny dude like Topher Grace. On top of all this, they opted to make Venom “less scary”, which means we never really got the full on version of Venom that we wanted to see on this film. This film shows us what happens when too many hands are doing the cooking. Raimi wanted to focus on The Sandman as the main villain while Marvel wanted him to stick Venom in there at any cost, even if it meant the movie was going to be cluttered. The result was a cluster fuck of a movie that pales in comparison to Spider-Man 2 (2004) which is one of the best comic book film ever made. We also have to deal with Peter Parker going emo? Yes ladies and gentlemen, on this film Raimi takes a cue from Superman III (1983) and has Peter Parker ignoring his hero persona and becoming ‘evil’ which in this movie translates to Parker going clubbing and coloring his hair black. Really? That’s the most evil thing you could get Peter Parker to do? This is his dark side?  

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: When Sandman turns into this huge Godzilla like monster

Bad Movie Dialog: “You made me loose my girl, now I’m going to make you loose yours. How’s that sound tiger?”

"Look at me, Im so evil, I got snakes coming out my ears!"

Title: Dungeons and Dragons (2000)

Why it’s so Bad: It’s bad because it was a wasted opportunity. This movie should have been a serious fantasy film, with magic and dragons and all sorts of supernatural shenanigans, something closer to what Lord of the Rings turned out to be. But no, what we had here was one of the worst fantasy films ever made. The real problem with it is that it treated the Dungeons and Dragons universe as if it was some kiddy film, when in reality this board game had nothing kiddy about it. It’s about black magic and demons, sorcerers and witches, dark stuff. The film should have been dark and gritty, not shinny and colorful, and certainly not filled with comedy relief. Director Courtney Solomon decided he needed to have Marlon Wayans in there spewing stupid jokes every five seconds, let me tell ya, that gets annoying fast! Sad part is that making this Dungeons and Dragons film was director Courtney Solomon’s dream, he even bought the rights when he was a mere 19 years old! What does he do when he finally gets the chance to make it? This piece of crap! It’s a sad story too because the premise about these powerful dragons was promising, unfortunately the film failed to deliver. Then we have Thora Birch doing her best ‘Princess Amidala’ impersonation which was quite pathetic I might add.  The dialog is way too modern for a film about dragons and magic. I guess the worst thing about it is that it feels as if it was made for 10 year olds. I’m still holding out for a good Dungeons and Dragons film, please, somebody make it!

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment:  When one of the films villains has snakes coming out of his ears…

Bad Movie Dialog: “Not so talented, eh Mr. Ridley?”

It was 'Nipple Night' at the Batcave

Title: Batman & Robin (1997)

Why it’s so Bad: It’s bad because it single handedly destroyed the first batch of Batman films by doing all sorts of things very, very wrong. Let’s see, we start by having way too many characters in the film. We have three villains, Poison Ivy played by Uma Thurman, Bane played by some guy I don’t know and finally Mr. Freeze played by Arnold Schwarzenegger. What pissed me off is that since they used so many villains for this one film, none of them get the proper focus they deserve; case in point: Bane, one of Batman’s most formidable villains is in and out of the picture in a matter of minutes; to make things worse, his appearance in the film doesn’t even matter, it’s not even that relevant to the story. What a wasted opportunity! On top of that we have Schwarzenegger spewing one liners like there’s no tomorrow, in fact, you feel as if that’s the only language he speaks. Then we have George Clooney in one stiff as hell performance as Batman, Chris O’Donell and Alicia Silverstone playing Robin and Batgirl respectively, so that’s three good guys and three villains you have to flesh out in one movie! Needless to say this is not what happened. When it all came down to it, it was just too much. Plus, we had to deal with Bat nipples.

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: When Robin jumps out of a flying rocket, surfs the air on a door and screams “Cowabunga!” while doing it

Bad Movie Dialog: “Let me guess, Plant Girl? Vine Lady? Hand over the diamond Garden Gal or I’ll turn you into mulch!”

Title: Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

Why it’s so Bad: This is without a doubt the worst thing that George Lucas ever produced in his whole life. What the hell where they smoking when they said yes to making this weird television special? I know it’s not a film per se, but I had to put it on here because it is related to star wars, and it is kind of like a t.v. movie, and it is without a bit of doubt a bad film. Story is all about Han Solo trying to arrive to Chewbacca’s home planet (Kashyyk)  so he can celebrate something called “Lifeday” which is the Wookie equivalent of Christmas. We get to meet Chewbacca’s wife and child and we get to hear them talking wookie for minutes on end, which of course translates to a bunch of grunts for all of us humans. Weird part about this whole thing is that it’s got various interludes, for example: one of them is an animated segment in which we are introduced for the first time to ever to the character of Boba Fett! We get a musical appearance by Jefferson Airplane singing “Light the Sky on Fire” Now there’s a ‘what the hell’  moment if there ever was one. What the hell does Earth Wind and Fire have to do with Star Wars? Nothing that’s what! Same as Bill Cosby did with Leonard Part 6, this Star Wars special is so bad, that Lucas himself tried buying the masters so that this abomination could not be aired ever again on television, guess what? He failed!

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: When we meet Chewbacca’s father, who is watching an erotic dancer on television  

Bad Movie Dialog: (Spoken by a hologram that Chewbacca’s dad is watching) “I am your fantasy; I am your experience, so experience me. I am your pleasure. Enjoy me. This is our moment together in time that we might turn this moment into an eternity”

Title: Howling III (1987)

Why it’s so Bad: This one comes to us from Philippe Mora, the director behind some pretty bad films, but Howling III? Hands down the worst Philippe Mora film I’ve ever seen! Unless you’ve seen Howling II: Your Sister’s a Werewolf (1985); I’ve never seen it myself, but I hear its pretty bad. However, I doubt it’s worse than this third entry. On this gem of bad cinema a scientist falls in love with a werekangaroo! That’s right my friends this film is primarily about Werekangaroos! But fear not! There’s werewolves as well! In fact there’s a whole school bus filled with werewolves dressed as nuns! Don’t ask, just rent this horrid thing and laugh your way through awfulness, you won’t believe your eyes. How bad is this movie? Well, here’s how bad: a couple of years ago I went to buy some movies, and they were giving copies of Howling III away with every horror film you bought!     

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: When the protagonist is having sex with the Were-kangaroo girl (!) but he doesn’t realize how freaking hairy this girl is? 

Bad Movie Dialog: “Any trace of Beckmeyer yet?” “No sir. I think he fell in love with the Russian Werewolf”   

                                                             

Title: Captain America (1990)

Why it’s so Bad: Back in the 80’s and 90’s, comic book movies were not considered bankable by studios and so, it was a rare thing to see a good comic book movie. Tim Burton’s Batman () made studios realize the potential of comic book movies. But for a while, they had absolutely no respect in Hollywood. Especially ones based on Marvel comics characters, which believe it or not were a lot less popular than DC’s Superman and Batman. But that was long ago, in a galaxy far, far away before The Avengers (2012). Back in the 90’s, this Albert Pyun directed Captain America flick was all us Marvel fans had to satiate our thirst for comic book films. And boy was this one bad! This was the film that put rubber ears on Captain America! Why? Because the original suit, which exposed the actors real ears caused chafing, so to protect the actors real ears, they opted to show fake ones. Somehow, the filmmakers managed to turn The Red Skull (who always had German roots) into an Italian Mafioso! Pyun said that part of the reason why this film was shelved for two years was because the studio was unhappy with it. No shit! Also, he said at times they literally had no money in the bank. This was a Menahem Golam production, two producers who brought Cannon Films to bankruptcy during the late 80’s with films like Masters of the Universe (1987) and Superman IV (1987). Too many of their films depended on other films being successful first; which is what happened with this Captain America film. They didn’t have money to do it and started shooting it anyways, hoping that other projects would make the dough they would need to finish this one. So these guys were making a movie for a major Marvel character, without a budget! My how things have changed!

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: Captain American is out of costume for most of the film! 

Bad Movie Dialog:  “Gee Whiz, we gotta get going Mr. President!”

Title: Zombi 3 (1988) 

Why It’s So Bad: Lucio Fulci’s Zombi 2 (1979) is one of Fulci’s most recognized films. It’s an indirect sequel to George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead, because when Dawn of the Dead was released in Italy it was released under the title ‘Zombi’, so due to the success of  Zombi (which was really Dawn of the Dead with another title) Fulci went and made ‘Zombi 2’; which is a memorable zombie film because it has that amazing sequence where a zombie fights underwater with a shark! Fulci’s Zombi 2 was also a successful film and so the inevitable part 3 went into production. Zombi 3 was a problematic film from the get go, reportedly Fulci was ripping away pages from the script and avoiding them altogether, and also health issues were keeping Fulci from directing the film properly which led to Fulci dropping out of the film altogether half way through it. Unfortunately it was Claudio Fragasso and Bruno Mattei who ended up directing most of the picture, some might consider that a good thing, but I say no way, these two guys have directed a bunch of really bad horror films in their time; some of them quite enjoyable precisely because they are so bad, Zombi 3 is one of these. Rest assured this is a badly acted film, and some parts are beyond dull, but certain grizzly moments make it worthwhile. Like for example, there’s a dj throughout the whole movie who ends up as a zombie, so we get the first official zombie DJ! Another memorable moment happens when pack of zombie birds attacks a moving car, this was an idea that P.W. Anderson re-used on Resident Evil Extinction (2007). So hey, Zombi 3 can be considered an influential zombie film at least in that sense. The sequels that followed this one were Zombi 4: After Death (1989) and Zombie 5: Killing Birds (1987), both are even worse in my book. 

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: At certain point in the film a refrigerator door is opened and out comes a flying decapitated head!

Bad Movie Dialog: “I’m feeling better Patricia, but I’m thirsty….for your blood!”

Title: Planet of the Apes (2001)

Why It’s So Bad: There was a lot of buzz around this movie, because it was a remake of Planet of the Apes (1968) the beloved science fiction classic, and well, with all the advancements in make up and visual effects, this was supposed to be the superior picture. Also, acclaimed director Tim Burton was directing the film and he’d proven himself a reliable and talented director before. Burton even got legendary make up effects artists Rick Baker to do the make up effects! The cast was amazingly good. Tim Roth, Paul Giamatti, Michael Clarke Duncan, Charlton Heston, Helena Bonham Carter, David Warner, Kris Kristoferson, the list goes on. So what happened with Burton’s Planet of the Apes? If he had all these resources under his command, why did the film turn out so bad? Well, while the movie starts out pretty good with Mark Wahlberg playing  a scientists who gets lost in some sort of cosmic space anomaly that sends him to the proverbial Planet of the Apes. Unfortunately, after we reach the proverbial Planet of the Apes, the film turns into a bloody bore. For huge amounts of time all characters do through out the film is walk and walk and walk some more. The worst part of the whole ordeal for me was that the Planet of the Apes looked like something out of The Flintstones! Ugh, it was just horrible to watch; my recommendation? Go watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011) instead!

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment: When Mark Wahlberg’s character kisses a female ape.

Bad Movie Dialog: “The young ones make great pets. Just make sure you get rid of them before they mature, the last thing you want is a human teenager running around your house”

"What the hell Satan? Starfish? Really?"

Title: Rock and Roll Nightmare (1987)

Why it’s so Bad: This one is without a doubt one of the worst acted, directed and edited films ever made. It’s one of those movies where the dialog just sounds so unnatural, as if people were playing make believe when they were three year olds? The film is a true joke to behold, and as such deserves to be viewed and reviewed! This film tells the story of a heavy metal band that gets together to lock themselves in a house so they can come up with their new album. I guess it falls in the same category as other Heavy Metal Horror Films such as Trick or Treat (1986), Black Roses (1988) and Hard Rock Zombies (1985). On Rock and Roll Nightmare John Triton, the lead singer of the band has an ulterior motive: to summon Satan and destroy him forever! Ha! In the film, Triton, the lead singer of this heavy metal band actually admits to working for God! Ha! If that isn’t good enough for you, then you don’t have a pulse. Oh you want more reasons to watch this royally bad piece of cinema? How about a starfish throwing Satan? That’s right boys and girls, John Triton ends up fighting Beelzebub and what does Satan fight goodness with? Starfish! This film was shot with little more than 50,000 dollars and in just seven days! This movie is hilarious, really, I highly recommend it if you ever need some cheering up.  

It’s Obvious It’s Bad Moment:  When Triton suits up to fight Satan, he is shirtless (to show all that workout he’s been doing at the gym), wearing a spiked leather thong, boots, wristbands and tons and tons of hairspray.  

Bad Movie Dialog: “Well, it sounded like the scream came from down here, right, let’s look upstairs ”

Well, thats it boys and girls, hope you enjoyed both of these articles! What? You never read the first part? Well do yourself a favor and check it out: Worst Movies Ever Made Part I! It's a hoot, also, I'm going to be writing more of these "Worst Movies Ever Made" things, keep an eye out for them in the near future!