The Vineyard (1989)

Title: The Vineyard (1989)

Director: James Hong, William Rice

Writer: James Hong, Karen Witter

Review:

Apparently, the experience of playing ‘David Lo Pan’ the main villain in John Carpenter’s Big Trouble in Little China (1986) left quite an impression on actor James Hong because after that film, he went on to write and direct his own little horror movie, entitled The Vineyard; which has a lot of similarities with Carpenter’s Big Trouble in Little China, but more on that later. I’ve been searching for obscure zombie movies to review during this Halloween season and The Vineyard is a film that I remember having seen on video store shelves in the 80’s and 90’s, but for whatever the reason never got around to renting. That cover with the monstrous face looking at the chemical vials always called my attention, and so, the time to satiate my morbid curiosity for this obscure zombie flick arrived; I finally had a chance to see it. Boy was I in for a heavy slice of cheese!

On this flick we meet Dr. Ellison Po, a rich entrepreneur who specializes in making some of the finest wines in the world, how special are his wines? Well people are willing to pay thousands and thousands of dollars for just one bottle! What is the secret to his wine? Dr. Po is a special kind of guy, people seem to love him, the women adore him, the guy even has his own private island in which he grows the grapes for his wine. As if Dr. Po wasn’t prolific enough, he is also a film producer and has invited a group of aspiring actors and actresses to his island to audition for his new film. What the troupe of actors doesn’t know is that Dr. Po has sinister plans in store for them!

So yeah, this movie is flat out terrible in many ways, but as is usually the case with films of this nature, there’s some enjoyment to be had. Where to start with this movie? We could start by analyzing the script which is a huge mess. It has many unanswered questions and situations that seem to happen for no reason whatsoever. For example, Dr. Po has zombies buried in his vineyard, and every now and again they come out from their graves. It is never explained why they are there or why they decide to come out of their graves every once in a while; it feels like an element that was only added into the script in order to spicen up an otherwise dull film. It’s never explained why Dr. Po can control them with the power of his mind and send them back to their graves, through the magic of reverse photography no less! Dr. Po’s special wine is apparently made of human blood, but I can only deduce this from one scene in which they dip a girl inside of a vat of wine. You get the idea that Dr. Po’s wine makes people live longer, but that is never fully explained either. As you can see, this is the kind of film in which you have to deduce things for yourself because the film simply doesn’t do a good job explain them very well.

The film has a very high sleaze factor to it; there’s tons of female nudity and James Hong actually ends up making out with some really beautiful actresses, you kind of feel that it’s one of the reasons why Hong wanted to make this film; so he could make out with a couple of girls? He comes off as a sleazebag on this film, and old geezer trying to hook up with a bunch of younger, way too hot for him girls. The idea is that he drinks these potions to stay young so he can make out with all these hot bomb shells, problem is that the potion really keeps him middle aged, he doesn’t really look young because Hong wasn’t all that young when he made this film to begin with! It’s kind of funny when you think about it. In his defense, Hong does turn in a whacky performance as a really weird character. There’s this scene where everyone is in a costume party and he is dancing with a mask on, weird stuff. We get girls, half naked, chained in some sort of dungeon, I mean, it’s a sleazy film.

Earlier I spoke of the similarities between The Vineyard and Big Trouble in Little China and I just want to point out that they really are numerous! I guess that John Carpenter’s film really made an impression on Hong, let’s see, The Vineyard is all about an aging billionaire who lives an isolated life, but is looking for that perfect wife, a woman who ‘fits the bill’ so he can sacrifice her to his god. This Mayan god is supposed to grant Dr. Po everlasting life if he marries this blonde actress? Who by the way looks a heck of a lot like Kim Cattrall from Big Trouble in Little China! Dr. Po has to take the girl to an altar to sacrifice her, the good guys have to stop the sacrifice…Dr. Po has his future wife in some sort of trance…I mean, does this sound like the plot for Big Trouble in Little China or is it just me? The script is so screwed up that it presenst us with the character of Dr. Po, a Chinese guy who should be worshipping Chinese gods right? But no, the god whom he worships is a Mayan God? But then there’s this other sub plot about an amulet giving him eternal life and the amulet is Chinese in nature? As you can see, the script is messy, don't try and make sense of it, just go with the flow and enjoy this cheesy train wreck.  

Mr. David Lo Pan, I mean, Dr. Ellison Po, drinking his youth potion

The one to blame for this disaster of a flick is actor James Hong who pulled a triple punch on this production by acting, writing and directing the film. Unfortunately he was not very good at either of these tasks. Don’t get me wrong, Hong is a good actor, I’ve seen him do great things in other films, Big Trouble in Little China being one of them, but as evidenced by the way The Vineyard turned out; writing and directing are not his fortes. Still, there’s fun to be had in terms of the bad dialog and situations. Honestly, I love hearing actors pull off these terrible lines of dialog. Speaking of the acting in the film, it is extremely amateurish in nature; NOBODY turns in a believable performance. The film ends in a completely nonsensical fashion, which reminds me, if you ever do watch this movie, just remember that you’ll be asking yourself "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" in the midst of all your giggling, which is really all this movie is good for, so enjoy this slice of cheese, they don’t make them like this anymore!

Rating: 1 ½ out of 5 

The Video Dead (1987)

Title: The Video Dead (1987)

Director: Robert Scott

Cast: Rocky Duvall, Roxanna Augussen, Sam David Mac Clelland

Review:

The Video Dead is one of those movies from the 80’s that is heavy on cheesiness and charm and as some of you might know, I enjoy that a whole lot. The cheese factor makes watching horror films that much more fun and that’s all I care about sometimes; fun! High levels of cheese usually assures us a couple of things in a horror film: bad acting, bad dialog, low production values and extremely silly, nonsensical situations. The Video Dead has a lot of all of that, plus zombies coming out of television sets! That right there was the grabber for me. I remember walking down the aisle at my local video club (back when we had those) and loving the cover art for this film but never having the guts to actually rent it. I was about twelve back then and my young mind was not yet ready for the onslaught of nastiness that horror movies had to offer. Of course, I’d eventually discover the wonders of horror films, but back in 1987, I was just a tad too innocent. Little did I know that judging by how silly this movie is, I could have seen it when I was freaking 8!

Jeff and Zoe are a brother and a sister that are moving into a new household. Their parents are busy on a trip to Saudi Arabia so they go ahead and move into the house first then their parents, brother and sister have the house all to themselves. In the houses attic Jeff finds an old television set, so he takes it to his room. This was way before the day of HD plasma tv’s, so this is one of those big ass television sets where you switched the channels by turning a button, basically a really old fashioned television. One night when Jeff is particularly bored he takes out a big ass bag of weed, rolls a joint and sits back to enjoy a zombie film that’s playing on the magical television. The film is called ‘Zombie Blood Nightmare’; by the way, the film that’s playing on the t.v. looks pretty awesome!  Suddenly, the film is interrupted by a character called ‘The Garbage Man’ who warns Jeff all about the zombies that have the ability to escape from t.v. world. He tells Jeff that they are very real, and that they are vile creatures with no soul. But even though Jeff’s been warned and told how to stop these creatures from coming out of the television, he still let’s the zombies escape from the mystical television set! Soon the zombies start terrorizing Jeff’s neighbors and killing them off in strange ways. Will Jeff and Zoe find a way to stop these zombies and send them back from the television hell they came out of?

So basically this is one of these horror movies that’s so STUPID in nature that it will have you rolling in laughter. I mean, how stupid is this movie? Let me count the ways…first off, the brother and the sister have some of the dumbest dialogs ever. For example, in one scene Zoe -the older sister- tells her brother that she’s starting in college soon and that she’s majoring in get this: aerobics and music videos! Ha ha ha…okay, see what I mean about this movie making you laugh? Jeff is a pothead, and normally potheads will enjoy going on a head trip when they smoke weed, but not Jeff! When Jeff starts seeing characters talking to him from the television (something a pothead would laugh at while high) he ends up flushing his weed down the toilet as he says “No more for me!” Trust me, there’s so much dumb dialog on this one and told in such an unnatural fashion, that you will have no option but to laugh.

Then, we gotta deal with the notion that there’s such a thing as a mystical television that allows fictional characters from a film materialize in the real world. Normally, I’d accept such a notion in a cheesy movie like this one, but only if it comes with some sort of explanation, however incredulous it may be. On The Video Dead nobody explains why this television set does any of this, we simply gotta take for granted that it does. Then there’s this character called Joshua Daniels, a Texas cowboy type of guy who seems to know everything about killing these television zombies. Who the hell made him such an expert? Why does he know exactly what to do to kill these zombies? Who is this guy? No explanation is given, he simply KNOWS. Its funny hearing him talk about ‘The Video Dead’ so nonchalantly. But what the hell, this isn’t the kind of movie where we need things explained. The filmmakers are contempt with simply playing with this premise of a magical television set; which I have to admit is a cool idea. I would have loved an explanation, it would have made it easier to swallow the concept.

The idea of monsters coming out of our television sets is not a new one; it has been used before in films like Cronenberg’s Videodrome (1983), which seems to be the film that inspired this one, at least partially. At least in Videodrome we know why James Woods can stick his head through his television set. There’s also Tobe Hooper’s Poltergeist (1982) which has ghosts communicating through a television with little Caroline, and that happens because supposedly ghosts have a way with electricity; an idea that was also explored in The Ring (2002). We also have Terrorvision (1986) which has an alien coming out of a television, because it traveled through space in a bolt of lightning. Another film that comes to mind is Wes Craven’s Shocker (1989), where the villain Horrace Pinker is a killer on deathrow, who makes a pact with some sort of t.v. demon, minutes before he is electrocuted. This later gives him the ability to jump from television show to television show. Still, in The Video Dead’s defense I have to say that the idea of zombies coming out television sets is a novel one, and this is what sets The Video Dead apart.

The film does have cool looking zombies!

Even though The Video Dead had an interesting premise, the characters and situations develop in the most boring fashion possible. No one gets overtly excited even in the face of true horror. Everybody seems to be on a strange sort of high where nothing much fazes them. There’s a moment that goes something like this: “Sis, I’m going to go to the woods to hack some zombies with a chainsaw, with a strange man we just met, is that okay?” “Sure Jeff, just promise me you will return okay?” “Sure sis, I promise, bye!” It’s the kind of acting where you know the actors are acting, which of course is the worst sort of acting; I call it Troll 2 (1990) acting. This is a harmless horror film every step of the way, not too scary, not too childish either. It’s somewhere in between. In fact, this movie was so harmless that the producers actually gave extra money to the filmmakers to shoot more gore scenes and even then, the film is mild on the gore! It does have one cool scene where they chop a zombie in half with a chainsaw though. The Video Dead is a goofy horror film in the way that only a horror film from the 80’s could be, it has that feeling you get when you watch films like Black Roses (1988) or Trick or Treat (1986), you know, silly characters and situations, but ultimately entertaining. At the end of the day we are left with a 'light' sort of zombie flick, that has  a couple of funny deaths (death by washing machine!) and some unrealistic, totally laughable dialog. I actually saw it because I knew it would get me all nostalgic about the way horror films where in the 80’s, which it achieved to perfection.

Rating: 2 out of 5          

Memorable Moments in Zombie Zinema III

Conquistador zombie resurrects from the dead in Lucio Fulci's Zombie (1979)

Well, Halloween 2012 is finally here and what better way to celebrate it then with a fresh new bash of Memorable Moments in Zombie Zinema? In celebration of Halloween (everyones favorite holiday!) the folks here at The Film Connoisseur (that would be me) have cooked up a whole new batch of these grizzly, gruesome zombie moments! Also, don’t forget to come back regularly to the blog, it’s zombie month on The Film Connoisseur and I will be doing all sorts of articles, lists and reviews entirely composed of zombie films. Hope you enjoy zombie month! And remember, if you enjoy this article, don’t forget to check out parts I and II…if you dare!   

Film: Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010)

Memorable Zombie Moment: THOUSANDS OF ZOMBIES CHASE ALICE AS SHE JUMPS FROM THE ROOFTOP OF A BUILDING

Zynopsis: Alice is still looking for that “promised land” free of infection, but is it real? On her journey, she meets up with a group of people who are surviving the zombie apocalypse by living in an abandoned penitentiary. Will they even find the ever elusive “Arcadia”, a land supposedly free of infection? This zombie moment is so epic and could probably be my favorite moment in the whole Resident Evil series of films. At one point in the film, a hoard of zombies’ breaks into the building where Alice is hiding out. Suddenly, she finds her self trapped in the roof with nowhere to go! What to do? Zombies are coming up the stairs and the only way out is to jump! So, as thousands of zombies are chasing Alice, she jumps of the roof while strapped to a rope and manages to escape all the zombies! Problem is that all the zombies follow her and jump with her! Ever wondered what an avalanche of zombies would look like? Look no further! 

Quote: “Day 6. 1800 Hours, Los Angeles. No signs of life. Not even the undead. They must have burned with the city. But what about the rest?”

Film: Flight of the Dead: Outbreak On A Plane (2007)

Memorable Zombie Moment: ZOMBIE GETS RIPPED TO SHREDS BY THE ENGINE OF A COMMERCIAL PLANE

Zynopsis: So basically, these scientists have smuggled an infected body onto a 747  commercial flight. Stupid I know, but as we can expect on a film called ‘Flight of the Living Dead’ well, the infected body is somehow set loose upon the unsuspecting passengers of the flight, the result? Complete zombie mayhem! One of the best scenes has one of the good guys throw a zombie into the engines of the plane! Memorable Zombie Zequence in deed!  

Quote: “You thought it was me gnawing on the passengers? Nah, I’m a vegetarian.”

Film: Return of the Living Dead Part II (1985)

Memorable Zombie Moment: CHOPPED OFF ZOMBIE HAND GIVES US THE FINGER

Zynopsis: A drum containing an experimental toxic chemical known as ‘245 Trioxin’ falls into the sewer system of a small town, three kids find it and by mistake release the deadly toxic into the air, a deadly toxic that ends up bringing the dead back to life. Through out the film we follow a group of kids who try to eradicate the zombie plague and save their own town. Some people don’t like this sequel to Dan O Bannon’s Return of the Living Dead (1985), but I freaking love it for many reasons. It’s fast paced, it has tons of zombie gags and it has a fun vibe to it all the way through. One of the funniest gags has a zombie-hand attack a bunch of people while they are riding a car. After the hand terrorizes everyone in the car, the people end up throwing the zombie hand out the car window! When the hand falls on the road, it gives everyone the finger, even us!  

Quote: “Hardly anything to get excited about, it’s only a severed hand”

Film: Zombie Holocaust (1980)

Memorable Zombie Moment: ZOMBIE GETS HIS HEAD SLICED TO SMITHEREENS BY BOAT ENGINE

Zynopsis: So basically this movie tries to mix Lucio Fulci’s Zombie (1979) with Rugero Deodatto’s Cannibal Holocaust (1980). The results are a film with zombies in a tropical island…and Cannibals thrown in for good measure. If you can believe it this film mixes a crazy mad scientist that experiments with the resurrection of the dead with a cannibal tribe that worships a God known as ‘Kito’. Scholars decide to do an expedition to study this tribe and well, they end up getting eaten up. Gotta admit, the idea of mixing cannibals with zombies is pretty nifty, unfortunately the film is lackluster in my book because it borrows too much from Fulci’s Zombie. Actually this film is so freaking sleazy that it actually re-uses footage from Fulci’s Zombie! But there’s this one memorable moment in which one of the good guys fights a zombie and smashes the zombies head against the moving propellers of a boat engine…gruesome stuff! 

Quote: “I could easily kill you now, but I’m determined to have your brain!”

Film: Heavy Metal (1981) – Segment ‘B-17’

Memorable Zombie Moment: FIRST ANIMATED ZOMBIES

Zynopsis: This film is an animated anthology film, the stories range from funny, to weird, to just plain bonkers. But one of the stories has zombies in it and it is called ‘B-17’.  It’s all about these soldiers flying a B-17 bomber plane during WWII. At one point in the film, right smack in the middle of a battle with enemy planes, a mysterious green orb crashes into the plane, then leaves again! Then, the B-17 crashes into the jungle! The mysterious green orb might have flown away and dissaperead, but its passage did something to the crew members of the bomber plane. It isn’t long before the powers of the green orb bring the dead soldiers back to life as zombies! In my opinion, this is one of the first instances where we get to see an animated zombies! I really can’t think of any other film.   

Quote: “Very few escape my grasp…even in death, my powers continue”

Film: Michael Jackson’s Thriller (1983)

Memorable Zombie Moment: MICHAEL JACKSON GETS TURNED INTO A ZOMBIE

Zynopsis: Michael Jackson decides to watch a werewolf film with his girlfriend at the local movie theater.  Unfortunately, the girl gets too frightened and decides to walk out of the movie; Michael follows her even though he is obviously enjoying the fright flick. Outside, the streets are lonely and dark. To make things worse, they end up having to pass through a cemetery as the dead start to rise from their graves! Suddenly they find themselves running for their lives! This music video is a glorified short film; something that Michael Jackson loved to do with all his music videos, turn them into little movies, which of course was awesome because we got short films like ‘Thriller’ directed by none other than John Landis. Jackson was so impressed by Landis’s An American Werewolf in London (1981) that he got Landis to direct this video for him. Turns out it’s one of the best zombie films ever made, at least in my book. The images that take place in the cemetery ooze darkness and atmosphere and the zombies actually look like rotting corpses, which is something that some filmmakers seem to forget while making their zombie movies. Were talking about walking corpses here people! Thankfully, Michael Jackson and John Landis made sure these zombies looked cool. Finally, we get Michael Jackson as a zombie, ,memorable in deed.   

Quote: “And grizzly ghouls from every tomb are closing in to seal your doom…”

Film: Return of the Living Dead (1984)

Memorable Zombie Moment: ‘TARMAN’ MUNCHES ON ‘SUICIDES’ HEAD

Zynopsis: Zombies are coming out of their graves after a deadly toxic spreads through the cemetery. A group of punk kids take refuge inside of a morgue to try and survive; will they make it out of their town before the military decides to nuke it? This film is filled with many memorable moments but one of my favorites has these kids suddenly stumble upon a zombie that’s been hiding in a basement, everyone manages to run away except this kid known as ‘Suicide’! The zombie leans back and then lunges for Suicides skull, effectively taking a bite right out of it! It’s a shocker of a moment! Every time I see this film with some friends, this moment makes them scream in shock.  

Quote: In reference to his punk wardrobe Suicide tells his friends: “You think this is a fucking costume? This is a way of life!”

Film: Dead Alive (1992)

Memorable Zombie Moment: LIONEL CHOPS UP A HOARD OF ZOMBIES WITH A LAWNMOWER

Zynopsis: Lionel’s mom has gotten infected with a bite that has killed her and brought her back from the dead, now she’s turning everyone around her into a zombie! Best part is that Lionel’s uncle has planned a Halloween party in his home, without telling him. It isn’t long before everyone in the party gets turned into a zombie! One of the most memorable scenes has Lionel killing a hoard of zombies with the blade of his trusty lawnmower! It’s a bloodbath of gargantuan proportions! 

Quote: “They’re not dead exactly, they are just sort of…rotting”

Film: Juan of the Dead (2011)

Memorable Zombie Moment: JUAN FISHES A ZOMBIE OUT OF THE WATER

Zynopsis: Juan and his friend Lazaro are contempt with simply spending their lazy days away hustling to survive, ah yes, life in Cuba. That is until a zombie outbreak erupts and everyone in Cuba starts turning into zombies! But before that, Juan and Lazaro start the film out simply fishing on this little makeshift boat of theirs and just when Juan thinks he is out of luck with the fishes, he catches something! Only problem is that it isn’t a fish Juan catches! It’s a zombie! The zombie outbreak doesn’t stop Juan from capitalizing on the whole thing, soon he starts up a service where you call them up and they’ll come and get rid of zombies for you, kind of like The Ghostbusters, but for zombies.

Quote: “Juan of the Dead, we kill your loved ones.”

Film: The Horde (2009)

Memorable Zombie Moment: A SURVIVOR FIGHTS OFF A HORDE OF ZOMBIES

Zynopsis: This films premise is fairly simply: a group of strangers find themselves hiding from the zombie apocalypse in an apartment building. In this sense, I’d say the film is similar to say George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead (1978), where characters are held up in a confined environment and have to wait out the zombie apocalypse, or try to find a way to escape to a safer location. Well, at one point the characters have to make their way out so they decide to go through the buildings basement…big mistake! It’s this sequence that offers us the most memorable zombie sequence I have seen in a long while, one for the books that’s for sure! It’s a scene where a solitary survivor ends up completely surrounded by thousands of zombies and starts shooting zombies left and right! Then when he runs out of bullets he uses his trusty machete and starts hacking zombies to pieces! It’s an awesome sequence! The movie is worth watching for that scene alone, but in all honesty, this is a solid zombie flick from France, highly recommend it. 

Film: Bride of Re-animator (1990)

Memorable Zombie Moment: FLYING ZOMBIE HEAD

Zynopsis: Dr. Herbert West is still up to his old re-animating the dead experiments. He won’t give up until he’s figured out the secret of life itself, problem is he has to go through so many mistakes in order to learn it! On this one, Dr. West tries to bring back Dr. Dean Cain’s dead girlfriend, who died in the first film. In order to achieve this West uses bits and pieces from other bodies he finds and strings them together, trying to reconstruct her. But of course, as it usually happens in these Re-Animator movies things go horribly wrong, and we end up dealing with a bunch of Dr. West’s rejected experiments. Dr. Hill the villain from the first film is still alive and kicking, well at least his head is. Weirdest part is that he ends up getting someone to surgically add bat wings to his head! Now, Dr. Hill, the dead re-animated head, can fly! Fulci pulled this gag off first in Zombie 3 (1988), but it’s better developed here, on Bride of Re-Animator.    

Quote: “West, you stupid biped!”

Film: Pet Sematary (1989)

Memorable Zombie Moment: HUSBAND KISSES HIS ZOMBIE WIFE

Zynopsis: This film is all about this kid who can’t take the fact that his little kitten was ran over by a truck, so the kids dad, instead of telling his kid that death is a part of life decides to take the cat to a local Indian burial ground to try and bring the cat back to life, and what do you know? It works! But things that come back from the dead don’t always come back as themselves and so, when the man looses his wife, he goes for the same old trick, he takes her to the Indian Burial ground to try and bring her back! Which he does, only thing when she comes back, she’s not herself anymore, she’s a freaking zombie! He doesn’t realize this immediately, so when he sees his wife the first thing he does is kiss her, as the camera slowly turns we see that half of her face is missing! His kissing a zombie! Aaaaarrgh!

Quote: “The barrier was not meant to be crossed, the ground is sour”

Film: Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things (1973)

Memorable Zombie Moment: FIRST ZOMBIE WEDDING EVER

Zynopsis: This is a really nutty, low budget movie that comes to us from Bob Clark, the director of the horror classic Black Christmas (1974). But, Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things was one of his very first films, as a result, it’s a very cheap looking movie, but, that doesn’t mean that this film is not without it’s memorable zombie moments! For example, the characters in the film go to an isolated island to practice a play they are working on and while they are at it, perform some sort of satanic ritual said to bring back the dead. You know, just for kicks. In order to perform this ritual, they dig up a corpse! Problems arise when the ritual actually works and the dead do come back! But before all this happens, they play around with a corpse and perform a fake wedding, with the corpse they unearth as the groom!  

Quote: “Get out of the grave Alan and let an artist show you how to call a curse down on Satan!”

Film: Creepshow (1982)

Memorable Zombie Moment: ZOMBIE COMES BACK FROM THE DEAD BECAUSE HE WANTS TO EAT HIS ‘FATHER’S DAY’ CAKE

Zynopsis: Creepshow was Stephen King’s and George Romero’s way of paying homage to the Tales from the Crypt comics they loved to read when they were little kids. It’s an anthology film with five different stories, most of them are related to the undead; this is a Romero film after all! But the first story is one called ‘Father’s Day’ and it’s about this family that gets together once a year on Father’s Day to remember their dead father/grandfather and discuss what they’ll get from his will. But on this fathers day, their father is coming back! To avenge his death, eat his father’s day cake and kill his greedy offspring as well!

Quote: “It’s Father’s Day and I got my cake! Happy Father’s Day!”

Film: Two Evil Eyes (1990)

Memorable Zombie Moment: HYPNOTIZED ZOMBIE

Zynopsis: This film is an anthology film consisting of just two stories, one directed by Italian maestro Dario Argento called ‘The Black Cat’ and the other directed by zombie master George Romero. Romero’s half is called ‘The Facts in the Case of Mr. Valdemar’ and it’s about this rich old guy who’s on his dying bed. His sleazy younger wife wants him to sign over 3 million dollars to her and the only way she gets him to do it is by hypnotizing him and getting him to sign! Problem is that when Valdemar suddenly dies, he doesn’t die completely because he died in this hypnotic state! Now he sends eerie messages from the afterlife letting his wife know that his soul is trapped in a dark void, between the world of living and the world of the dead!   

Quote: “I married a rich old man. I let him use me for pleasure and for show. Now, I’m going to make him pay for my services”

Film: Day of the Dead (1985)

Memorable Zombie Moment: A ZOMBIE SPILLS HIS GUTS…LITERALLY!

Zynopsis: Day of the Dead is one of the bleakest of all of Romero’s Dead films. The world is completely dominated by zombies, and most of them are really starting to rot away; unfortunately they are also growing in numbers! This plays havoc with the minds of some of the human survivors, some of which are more weak minded then others. Case in point: Miguel, the latino of the group. He just can’t deal with the fact that the world is being overrun by zombies so he starts having these nightmares, one of them involves a zombie waking up from an operating table, with an incision in his stomach! Suddenly, as the zombie gets up, its guts starts spilling out all over the floor! Gruesome in deed!

Quote: “Collapsing from stress? We’re all collapsing! This whole fucking unit is collapsing!”

Film: Zombie Lake (1981)

Memorable Zombie Moment: NAZI ZOMBIE COMES LOOKING FOR HIS ILLEGITIMATE DAUGHTER

Zynopsis: This movie has got to be one of the most boring zombie movies ever made, it is quite literally one of the worst times I’ve had watching a zombie movie. I’ve seen some of the most important ones and I’ve still got a ways to go before I’ve seen every single zombie movie ever made. I’m also sure I’ll see zombie movies worse then this one; I’ve yet to see Oasis of the Zombies (1982) and I hear that one is worse! But Zombie Lake will always be at the bottom of my list, I mean, not much happens in this bore fest. The zombie make up consists of green paint on the actors faces and they don’t even get that right! But one idea in the film did stick out for me: a Nazi zombie coming back from the dead to protect his long lost daughter. I’d never seen that before on any zombie flick; that stood out. The rest of the movie? A total waste of time.

Quote: “So, you think that ghosts killed them?”

Film: Zombie (1979)

Memorable Zombie Moment: ZOMBIES CROSSING OVER BROOKLYN BRIDGE

Zynopsis: So Lucio Fulci’s Zombie has many memorable zombie moments, one of them I mentioned on one my previous articles (Zombie vs. Shark!) but this time I want to focus on the image with which the film ends with. You see, this film is about a zombie outbreak that begins in an a little island in the Caribbean, but by the time the film ends, the zombie outbreak has spread across the seas and has spilled into New York City! Now the undead walk the streets of New York, and that last memorable image is one of the most memorable in all of zombiedom: the image of zombies crossing over the Brooklyn Bridge! 

The Revenant (2009)

Title: The Revenant (2009)

Director: D. Kerry Prior

Cast:  David Anders, Chris Wylde

Review:

Sometimes, a movie will go straight to dvd, when it should've gone theatrical because of how great it is, I think The Revenant is this kind of film. It wasn’t released theatrically, at least not on a large scale and it went straight to dvd, which normally means it wasn’t good enough for theaters or that it was too graphic or gory. In The Revenant’s case I think it was the gore factor that kept it out of theaters because in all honesty this is an excellent horror comedy! I kept wondering why it wasn’t released theatrically, the visuals are so crisp, the effects top notch, the acting great and the story involving and filled with surprises. Last time that happened to me was with Donnie Darko (2001)! I agree with many reviewers, this one is sure to become a cult favorite. What made The Revenant so good?

Story is all about this American soldier named Bart who’s right smack in the middle a mission in some foreign country when blamo, he gets killed in action. Cut to his funeral, everyone cries for the dead soldier. But, because of a crane malfunctioning at the cemetery, his coffin is left unburied. For some reason that is never explained, he ends up coming back to life. So, now Bart the undead, still dressed in his military uniform ends up going back to his best friends house, who at first can’t believe his friend is back from the dead, but then comes to gradually accept it. Questions quickly arise: what is Bart? Is he a zombie? Is he a vampire? Well, he came back from the dead, which technically makes him a zombie but he also needs to feed on blood to retain his good looks, which would make him a vampire. The two actually end up looking into the dictionary to define what a zombie and vampire are supposed to be, at the end of the day they come to the decision that Bart is a ‘Revenant’, one who returns after death.

The Revenant reminded me a lot of Bob Clark’s Deathdream (1974) also known as Dead of Night. This film was all about a soldier named Andy who returns home from war. His parents thought he was dead, yet here he is, alive and kicking. In that film, Andy -the returning soldier- comes back in a zombie-like state, acting all sorts of strange. His family takes him in because he is their son, and he is back; he didn’t die at war after all so who cares how strange he is acting? Little do they know that Andy is not really himself anymore! He must feed on human blood now! And so, the similarities between Deathdream and The Revenant are blatantly obvious, in my eyes, it’s practically a remake. But where Deathdream was all dead serious and a straight forward horror film, The Revenant is filled with humor, gore and takes it’s premise in a whole other direction then Clark’s film.

The Revenant is essentially a ‘buddy film’ not unlike Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (2010), Juan of the Dead (2011) or Shaun of the Dead (2004). And you know how that goes, two best friends who are practically brothers suddenly have to face a horrifying situation together and try and over come it. Bart is the soldier who comes back from the dead while Joey is the the slacker type, who basically behaves a lot like ‘The Dude’ from The Big Lebowski (1998); he even dresses like him and complains about his rug! That was in my opinion a great nudge to a great film. At one point they both decide to use their ‘dark gift’ to stop evil in the world, so they become sort of like vigilante vampires/zombies. And a thing about the whole vampire/zombie thing, this is yet another thing it has in common with Bob Clark’s Deathdream, we don’t really know if they are either zombies or vampires, at the end of the day, these characters are a strange mix of both.

The film was directed by first time director D. Kerry Prior who has done lots of extensive work on the field of special effects. He’s worked in such films as The Abyss (1989), Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987), The Lost Boys (1987), and Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead (1994). Normally I’d say this is a bad thing because when fx guys decide to direct, it’s not always a good thing, but on this case I’ll make an exception. Prior turned in an exceptionally good looking film that is well acted, is funny, has tons of gore and is just a fun watch. It’s not a very original film because it draws from a lot of films that came before it, but if you ask me, the rewatchability factor is extremely high on this one, I know I want to see it again. I’m also curious to see what Prior will be directing next, because he deserves a chance to make another. The Film Connoisseur says go rent this one right now, The Revenant is a keeper! It's the kind of film that makes me wonder why I hadn't heard of it before!  

Rating: 4 1 /2 out of 5  

  

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

Title: Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

Director: Lloyd Kaufman

Cast: Jason Yachanin, Kate Graham, Lloyd Kaufman

Review:

So I’m quickly gaining lots of respect for Producer/Director/Actor Lloyd Kaufman. Why you may ask? Well, I’ve been seeing a lot of Troma films lately and I have to admit I’m having a blast checking them out. They are trashy, they are cheap and gross to the max, but they are also fun. This is my mantra when I watch Troma films. But other then that, Lloyd Kaufman is to me the embodiment of true independent cinema, the kind you make simply because you want to, without all the restrictions, bureaucracy, bullshit and snobbishness that comes from making a studio production. Kaufman just makes his movies. He gathers his friends; he gathers a crew, and shoots the damn thing! Most of the people that work on this film do it for free, just because they want to be in a Troma film, the extras, all worked for free! Of course situations and complications always arise in a low budget production like this one, but at the end of the day, everyone has a grand old time and the result is a film that simply emanates pure fun. I recently had a chance of checking out Kaufman’s Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead. Was it as fun as the rest of Troma's repertoire of films?

Lloyd Kaufman prepares to shoot a scene while in full wardrobe! 

Hell to the yeah my friends! Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead is every bit as zany and crazy as you might expect a Lloyd Kaufman film to be with an added bonus: the film has a message! And it’s dead on! The film is all about this chain of fast food restaurants called ‘American Chicken Bunker’ and they’ve just opened a new restaurant in Tromaville! Complications arise when we learn that the restaurant was built on an ancient Tromahawk Indian burial ground! The shit really hits the fan when we learn that the chickens (and those who eat them) are being possessed by the spirits of angry Indians hell bent on revenge! It isn’t long before we have a restaurant full of zombie chicken people! You have to see this to believe it.  

Troma films have always had a subversive angle and a message in the midst of all their projectile vomiting and explosive diarrhea. Yeah the films are juvenile and repugnant in many ways, but deep in the heart of it all, they always have something to say, a critique on society. Take for example the Toxic Avenger movies, the villain in those movies is a gigantic corporation hell bent on world domination. This evil corporation is looking to privatize everything and kill small businesses, its name? Apocalypse Inc. How about Class of Nuke ‘Em High (1986)? A film that speaks about the dilapidated state of education in the United States school system. And all of these films I’ve mentioned also speak about a fear people suffered from during the 80’s: the fear of nuclear meltdown, of nuclear power. So it comes as no surprise that Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead also has a message attached to it. What did surprise me is how clear and resonant that message was! Fast Food is Poison! 

So yeah, Kaufman aims his guns this time at the fast food industry and my hats down to the man for that because I agree with him 100%; fast food is poison! It’s not the kind of food that might be detrimental to your health in a small way, no, the crap they sell you at Mc Donald’s, Burger King or KFC (and other fast food restaurants) is pure poison for your body. I have personally stopped going to these kinds of places because every time I went, my body would react in negative ways. In Kaufman’s film we see people getting explosive diarrhea and vomiting violently after eating at the American Chicken Bunker, which in my book is not that big of an exaggeration of what can happen to you if you eat at these places. Of course, this being a Lloyd Kaufman film, he cranks the volume to 11 and so we get a restaurant full of people vomiting green slime! Be ready for some extremely gross images on this film, if you can’t take that sort of thing, well then don’t bother! But this one gets really graphic with its depictions of bodily fluids! In my book it’s all justified considering the subject matter. American Chicken Bunker is an obvious allusion to KFC, the worst of all the fast food joints in my opinion! In my book, it is the most poisonous of all, so hurray to Kaufman for aiming his guns at these merchants of death.

Kaufman not only attacks the idea of eating in these fast food places, but he also attacks the idea of working in them. The film focuses on this young kid who decides to work in the American Chicken Bunker because he wants to get back at his girlfriend, who dumped him for a lesbian. Kaufman himself plays an aging employee who’s worked his whole life at the American Chicken Bunker and ends up realizing he’s led a terrible life because he decided to go career with American Chicken Bunker. They even have a whole musical number on the subject of wasting your life working for places such as these.

But don’t be fooled by the films message my friends, this film will be one of the most offensive, gross out films you will ever see! I’ve seen a lot of weird films, but damn, this one really went far! We get gay Mexican employees who die shredded by a meat grinder; another employee who enjoys making love to dead chickens! One of the employees is a terrorist! I mean, these guys went all out crazy with this movie! We get possessed chickens! Talking hamburgers! A restaurant full of people vomiting! The walls of the restaurant get splattered and sprayed with diarrhea, vomit and blood! And last but not least, we get chicken zombie people! Don’t ask! Just rent or buy this b-movie masterpiece! The last half hour of this film is pure unadulterated dementia! Craziness and cartoon gore are amped up to their maximum expression! The gags you’ll see are too numerous for me to number here, so rest assured you will not be bored for a second! If you like movies that don’t take themselves seriously at all and indulge in irreverence and social critique then this is the movie for you! Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead is in my opinion Lloyd Kaufman’s finest film to date, kudos to the man for that.

Rating: 3 ½ out of 5